No man wants to be labelled an unsatisfactory lover, so I wanted to know: What is it that makes a dude a dud in the sack? Since I personally think “sex expert” is a bullsh*t title, as everybody enjoys different things sexually, I instead addressed a collective group of 15 sexually active women of all ages to inform me what characteristics they believe tell them a guy is going to be an utter sexual disappointment.
The one commonality most prevalent in my little survey was the word “jackhammer,” used to describe lackluster penetrative habits in a piss-poor lover. See what two of the younger ladies in the survey had to say below:
“I’d say the main thing are guys who suck at foreplay. Either they don’t put enough time into it, they jackhammer my vagina with their fingers, or they are hesitant to go down on a girl or they don’t do it for very long. Also, guys who don’t pay attention to the clit are total amateurs.” – Madelin, 26
“When a guy just goes to town on your vagina. He just pounds away aggressively like a jackhammer.” – Tara, 26
By using the word “jackhammer,” these gals are clearly talking about a guy’s tendency to go to pound-town, which is a trait guys have likely borrowed from porn. The problem with this being (aside from the fact that women hate it, evidently): porn is a form of entertainment; it’s not an educational tool.
Porn stars don’t even have sex like this off-camera, trust me, I’ve looked into it. The takeaway being: while vaginas can indeed take a pounding, that doesn’t mean they want to.
Here are some of the other responses I received. One of which comes from a 73-year-old woman whose wisdom is far beyond anybody else’s, like a sexual Yoda. This is what she had to say:
“First of all, if a man is a good kisser — before we even make it to the bedroom — is a good sign. A man whose intent is to please is very erotic. A man who is a ‘leader’ in bed is very erotic. By this I don’t mean dominating, I mean he leads. On the other side of things, one sign a man is terrible in bed is one who keeps asking, “How was that?” or, “How did you like that?” – Lynn, 73
And then there was this response, which kind of missed the point entirely:
“The worse sign a guy is bad in bed is if he does not ask for consent! It shows me right away he’s all about his needs and not mine or respects me enough to get permission.” – Samantha, 27
To be fair, this last one doesn’t only make the man an unsatisfactory lover; it makes him a rapist. So don’t be that, either.
Here’s what a few others who weren’t afraid to bare arms (and by this I mean talk explicitly about the subject) had to say.
“He talks dirty in a weird way, he prefers to receive more than give, makes too much noise to the point where it’s laughable, when he cums too quick, when he expects a return favor.” – Megan, 24
“My dead giveaway is if a man’s a lousy driver, he’s probably piss-poor in bed. A bad driver shows a lack of confidence. Conversely, if he’s overly-aggressive, he’s likely to be selfish and ‘goal-oriented,’ tending to his own orgasm. Also, if he’s a terrible dancer. This kind of speaks for itself regarding the moves.” – Monica, 41
“If a guy is overly polite and a total pushover, it’s kind of representative of what kind of lover he’s going to be. Sometimes a girl doesn’t want to make love, sometimes she just wants to get f*cked.” – Phoebe, 34
So dudes, the ladies have spoken. Though I may not have included all of their commentary (those which were left out merely spoke of the same qualities already offered in the quotes provided), I can confidently say that there are definitely two qualities women agree on in an unsatisfactory lover, and those are: his propensity to jackhammer the vagina as if it were stubborn concrete, as well as a lack of confidence.
I guess you could say being a selfish lover is another unattractive quality, as it was also popular in the survey, so we’ll toss that in there as well. Hopefully you’ve found this information useful. If not, I’ve spoken to 15 women ages 26-73 for no reason at all. About sex, no less.
