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Aside from my fiancee and family, I would say food is the greatest love of my life. I have many tattoos professing this unrequited love for delicious fare (which include: pizza, mac and cheese, hamburgers and bacon, to name a few) and I swear I’ve come as close to an orgasm one can possibly reach when eating something delightfully filthy. For instance, a greasy, lukewarm Whopper with cheese that’s been sitting under a heat lamp for half an hour.
I’ve found that cheating on my diet has the same thrilling effect that I would imagine one has when they cheat on their spouse. That whole idea of what you’re doing is so wrong, but so right, kind of thing.
This affection for food has been something I’ve used as an excuse to never be in fantastic shape. But with all of this ruthless consumption, I’ve never really considered the fact that food can go extinct. And after doing some research, I’ve found that a ton of food most of us love and take for granted are at risk of depletion.
While most of these threats are the direct result of global warming (which is a “myth”, according to Donald Trump), you better stock up on the following foods before they’re gone for good.
1. Honey
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Because of the insane decline in bee population, we may soon be waving bye-bye to our beloved sweetener, honey. And in case it weren’t obvious: No bees = no honey. And No honey = no Honey Nut Cheerios. Tragic, I know.
Bees are disappearing left and right due to something called “Colony Collapse Disorder”, which is caused by a collection of nasty things including: pests, pathogens, poor nutrition and, of course, exposure to pesticides. Come on, guys. Save the bees!
2. Sriracha
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I know a great many of dudes who’d be devastated if Sriracha was no more. I mean, what the hell would you put on your eggs?!
After complaints that the Sriracha factory caused health problems for citizens in its hometown of Irwindale, California, the city’s council declared it a nuisance, making the future of the condiment’s production unknown.
3. Bananas
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Everybody’s favorite phallic fruit may be no more due to “Panama disease”, which is running rampant in regions like Jordan and Mozambique, where bananas are primarily grown.
The disease is caused by a fungus that’s known to enter the banana plant through the its roots, which damages the vascular system and ultimately causes the plant to die from lack of water. However, there are still areas of the world where bananas grow that aren’t affected by the disease, so there’s still hope for a banana’s future.
4. Nutella
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Turkey, which produces 70 percent of the world’s hazelnuts, has been experiencing unseasonably cold weather during the spring, almost completely wiping out Nutella’s main and most delicious ingredient. If you think you can easily replace this with a chocolate substitute, you can’t. Because chocolate’s going extinct, too.
5. Almond Milk
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This one hits closer to home for me as my fiancee is vegan and soy milk grosses me out, so we tend to prefer almond milk. California, if you were unaware, is experiencing massive drought. California is also the state that produces 82 percent of the world’s almond supply. Experts say this drought has officially reached its most extreme level, and tons of trees producing almonds are dying as a result.
6. Chocolate
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We can thank global warming for this one as well. Rising temperatures are affecting the growth of chocolate in areas like Ghana and the Ivory coast, where more than half of the world’s chocolate supply comes from. That means no more Kit-Kats, guys! Could you imagine?
It’s estimated that this impact could be seen as early as 2030. Thankfully, companies like Hershey’s and Mars have spent close to 1 billion dollars to assist cocoa farmers in their efforts to keep chocolate alive (and keep them earning ridiculous profits, of course).
7. Wine
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Ok, so I’ve put this one in here as more of a scare tactic. But wine is certainly dropping in quantity. This, I can assure you. Due to increasingly warm temperatures (see: global warming) it has become much for difficult to produce wine in warmer areas like California and France, both of which are HUGE wine producers.
However, thanks to places like the U.K. and the American midwest, we can still enjoy wine from those regions. Besides, there’s always ice wine, right? (I’m seriously asking. I’ve never had ice wine before.)
8. Avocados (or more importantly, guacamole)
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I personally think avocados are gross. The buttery texture is enough for me to puke all over my keyboard. But I do like guacamole. California’s aforementioned drought problem is making it incredibly expensive to produce avocados.
For instance, avocados used to cost $72/acre foot to farm but are beginning to cost upward of $2,600/acre foot in the coming year. That’s almost 36 times the money! Since prices are growing for for farmers, you can bet your ass it’ll grow for consumers, too. See ya never, guac.
9. Coffee
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No coffee? Are you fucking kidding me? This better be a joke. But it’s not, the future of coffee is uncertain, as it’s being threatened by many things, like deforestation, pest infestations and the like.
Something as small as a half-degree rise in temperature is enough to stunt production, as such, growing regions like India have cut coffee yields by 30 percent. So if you like coffee as much as I do, start buying in bulk and store them in your basement. The apocalypse is nigh.
10. Peanuts
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The wonderful beer companion and boyfriend to jelly, peanuts only have one annual growing season. And that growing season only spans five months. Because of long-term droughts, these plants have become very difficult to maintain. The drought results in toxic mold, which leads to cancer or death of the plant. I don’t even want to imagine a day where I can’t lazily make my future child a PB&J sandwich.
