Photo: Universal Pictures
We can’t all be all things, right? But why, oh why, was it so easy to be uncool when we were kids? There’s a number of tell signs, ‘funny because it’s true’ ways, to know if you weren’t exactly the coolest kid when you were little. Typically, it had a lot to do with the amount of change in your pocket at the start of the day and the condition of your underwear at the end.
When it comes to being one of the “cool kids” or simply not getting bullied by the big kids, some of us went to great lengths to make our childhood as painless as possible. Sadly, the toys you have, the bike you ride and the clothes you wear can skyrocket or rattle your social status starting from a Cracker Jack age on up through early adulthood (maybe right now), but we’re here to show you just how uncool you were so you can put your anxious mind to rest.
This is not a bad thing, being uncouth, as most uncool kids, nerds and the bullied of your elementary years have probably gone on to do great things. Meanwhile, you lay in a puddle of your own filth. Here’s to the nerds, dorks, forest frolickers and book readers of your recess hour.
10 Funny-Because-It’s-True Ways To Know If You Weren’t The Coolest As A Kid
It isn’t easy being uncool, but it’s even worse not to know about this: Cosmo Kramer’s Guide to Living Life on Your Own Terms
Uncool Kid
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You Sat At The Front Of The Bus
Maybe you got picked on from the back of the bus all the way up to the front, or maybe you just told people you liked getting off the bus first to avoid getting your lunch money stolen before you even got to school.
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Atomic Wedgy Was What The Letter 'A' Meant To You
Wedgies were no joke, but atomic wedgies were something to cry about in the bathroom. You know you weren't too cool if every time your mother had to buy you new underwear (once a month) you ripped the elastic to save your butthole some undue stress.
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You Took Your Sister To The Dance
It was your mother's suggestion and your father's demand, and for some odd reason, you thought you could go through with it, at least until you walked in and realized you'd be slow dancing your sister. Finding a date was never easy, but strangely enough, your folks thought it was better to go with her than stay home.
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You Were Always The Odd Man Out
Photo: via Flickr.com
Whether in picking dodgeball teams, lab partners to dissect frogs or learning the electric slide, if you were the odd man (or woman) out, there was nothing worse than raising your hand when the teacher asked who didn't have a partner (who the biggest loser in the room was).
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You Were The Teacher's Pet
Photo: via ianthia-smith.com
You raised your hand for every question, stayed after class to help clean up, stayed after during detention to learn more when you weren't even in trouble. You were the teacher's pet, and nobody let you forget it when they pushed you into the urinal while you were peeing.
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You Came In On The Weekend
Five days wasn't enough for you. You had to have more. Your lack of coolness left a lot of room for learning. Again, you sat through detention without being on the list.
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Your Book Was Your Best Friend
Photo: via bhmpics.com
Playing outside for recess was another way of saying you'd sit alone and read on the grass. Well, good for you, because most your classmates would grow up to barely know how to read. Your basketball shot shows it, though.
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Somebody Took The Marshmallows Out Of Your Lucky Charms
Photo: via othersuchhappenings.com
Sounds like you were eating dog food, brah. Also sounds like even your mom was picking on you. Not cool.
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You Never Had Any Milk Money
And if you had the money, you were wearing your milk by the end of it, either because you could never open that fucking carton right or somebody tossed it in your lap.
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You Were Always Forced To Be The Nerdy Blue Ranger
Photo: via cracked.com
Every frickin' time your friends wanted to play Power Rangers (which was already incredibly nerdy), you somehow always managed to be chosen as the blue or pink one, even if there were only two of you. This joke came way before we knew the original Blue Ranger (David Yost) was picked on for being homosexual and walked off set for being called homophobic slurs. We'd never condone that kind of behavior, but, goddammit Billy, we didn't want to be the nerdy Blue Ranger.
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Seriously Though, Atomic Wedgies Are No Joke, Kids
That's Shaq being an upstanding citizen to Steve Nash, both adult men, arguably.
