Photo: Alan Powdrill (Getty Images)
Whether it’s her birthday, your anniversary or the date when her hopes and dreams finally died, all wives expect some kind of a gift from you, all the time. The thing about marriage is that you learn early on that no matter how much effort you put into it, no gift is going to be good enough for your wife. Since that is the case, you might as well just give up right now and start taking on a somewhat different perspective with what some might call reverse psychology. This little guide will show you everything you really should not buy your wife if you want to maintain your relationship. “What’s the use?” you might ask, but ultimately it’s up to you. You can use it as a cautionary tale of what not to do, or as a manual for a cold revenge dish to your cheating partner, we don’t care. So, here are some of the completely wrong gifts ideas for the wife.
Something Forgotten
Well, the first thing that you can do, and probably the worst thing on the list, is to forget to buy your wife a gift. If it’s her birthday, try to add as many random events as you can to your calendar, in hopes that they will all eventually manage to drown out that one celebratory day you wish to avoid. If she happens to mention it, just laugh it off as a not particularly funny joke and continue watching TV. On the other hand, if you still can’t seem to forget the special day, you could try an ancient but overall effective method of bludgeoning yourself with a hard rock straight on the head. This blunt hit has the potential to remove this unwanted piece of your memory, possibly along with your ability to hold a spoon, but that’s a risk you’re willing to take.
Something Broken
Now, this works two ways. You can either buy something nice she might like, then break it into pieces and pack into a small, crunchy gift, or you can buy her a cheaper and hopefully toxic version of the thing she owned. The initial happiness always intensifies the sadness that ensues, so prepare yourself for an emotional rollercoaster that is sure to put a smile on your face (if you happen to dislike your spouse, that is). The objects can be various. It can be her favorite vase, a childhood toy or her family urn. Imagine dropping it by accident, vacuuming the worthless remains and then buying a plastic version of it with pen flowers you’ve put on manually. It should be quite enough.
“Happy Birthday babe, here’s a little something. I’ll give you a hint – it’s not an urn with your late grandma’s ashes.”
Something Useful
On the other hand, you can choose a whole new approach and buy her a gift that might be considered useful for some, but is ultimately an insult. An example of this kind of an enigmatic gift would be an iron. To maintain the appearance of a useful and thoughtful gift, you should spare no expenses and buy the most flashy iron on the market. As soon as her eyes meet your gift, she will, no doubt, turn her attention to you and expect an answer. All you need to do is point to the wrinkles on your shirt and smile profoundly. Some other home devices that would make great gifts include a vacuum cleaner, a sexy apron, a regular sponge for dishes, an extra fluffy pair of slippers to stop her from waking you up with her thunderous walking, a paper bag for the head and whatever else you can come up with.
Something Familiar
At the end of the day, if you’re feeling super lazy and can’t be bothered to come up with a perfectly devilish gift for your unloved one, you could opt for something familiar. This means you just rummage through your old garbage and find the most horrible gift she ever got you for your birthday and wrap it up nicely. The beauty of this approach is that you do two things at the price of one. You both give your wife a thoughtful gift (presuming she was thoughtful when she gave it to you years ago) as well as get rid of an unwanted item that has always annoyed you secretly. You can pretend the whole time that it is not actually the same gift, or you can simply tell her the truth and go on with your day. Either way works.
Something Final
At the end of the day, if you’re looking to deal with your unfaithful partner in a more permanent way, you could buy her a special kind of gift called divorce. Just remember to wrap the paper up nicely and hand it to her in a ceremonious way. She will certainly appreciate it more than any of the gifts mentioned above.
