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The jig is up for a small group of celebrity parents who bribed their kid’s way into top colleges, as a yearlong FBI sting finally blew the whistle on the operation. Lori Laughlin and Felicity Huffman (the two suspects the press seems to be namedropping left and right) apparently had never heard of the old-fashioned way of getting into college: paying for a new gymnasium. While the dust settles on this salacious scandal (officially charged as mail fraud), we at Mandatory would like to prevent any further college admissions drama by revealing these nine airtight tricks of the trade.
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Admissions Scandal
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Climb onto campus through a window.
All college students look the same. Climb in and out through a side window and join the herd. Veni, vidi vici.
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Hire a computer hacker via Craigslist and rewrite the system.
Whatever happened to good, old-fashioned computer hacking? Haven’t these celebrities seen Hackers? We know what a young Angelina Jolie would do.
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Learn wizardy, put a spell on the entire staff.
Much like Alec Baldwin in the totally acclaimed, The Shadow, mastering the art of illusion and mental manipulation can do wonders for your life's ambition. Just be sure to use your powers for good once you get that Yale degree.
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Blend in with the campus surroundings and stand very, very still.
Finally those mime classes are about to pay off big time. Just wear a bodysuit of beige, stand at the back, and try to hold your breath.
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Study, work really hard, and get in on your own merit.
The cleanest bribe is the one using your grades and ability. Sure, there’s a paper trail, but the guilt falls on the teachers for giving you that A.
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Find a guy with connections inside the school and pay him to work out the details.
Oh, wait. This is what got everyone into trouble in the first place.
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Lower your expectations.
There’s a college for everyone. It doesn’t have to be “name brand.” As long as they sell branded hoodies.
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Kidnap the janitor and assume his identity.
This one might be a little trickier to pull off, but if things don’t go horribly wrong, there’s a chance they could go horribly right. Hey, it worked for Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting.
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Abstinence
The only 100 percent sure-fire way to prevent a college admissions scandal is to not go to college. Safe, secure, and ethically sound. Who needs the debt anyway?
