Photo: Eva-Katalin (Getty Images)
Luddites and skeptics all say that technology has led to the downfall of man. And while that’s debatable, cell phones have definitely led to the downfall of manliness (albeit with hilarious results). From changing the way we answer nature’s call, to enabling us to forget important survival skills, the addictive magnetism of our beautiful black mirrors has knocked manliness down a peg or two.
In an effort to get to the bottom of this phenomenon, we sent a research team out into the field to study once-manly men to see what side-effects of cell phone over-usage they had in common. The results were subtly (if not tenuously) emasculating. See if you agree with our findings below, as we uncover all the funny (true) ways in which cell phones have ruined the manliest of men.
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iPhone Manliness
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Sitting while peeing.
We can't take our eyes off our phones for more than five seconds and don't want to pee all over the wall. It's actually pretty smart of us.
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Emoji use overload.
Linguistic expression is becoming a lost art thanks to the heart and smiling poop emoji. But hey, ancient Egyptians apparently communicated through hieroglyphs and that worked out pretty well for them.
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Driving.
There was a time when men knew how to handle heavy machinery with a care and precision that demanded respect. Now we're lucky if we can make it from point A to point Z without hugging fenders. Manliness can save lives.
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Google.
Because Google can tell us whatever we want to know at the speed of Wi-Fi, men have stopped committing things to memory. That's why we pretty much don't know what we're doing most of the time. Oh well, it's only an awkward phase before Google introduces an app that men can download directly to our frontal cortex. Then we'll fix the toaster.
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Grilling.
Grilling is an ancient art that dates back to men's mastery of fire. But while Grandpa was a champ with the tri-tip, we will probably burn the beef (and our eyebrows off) before the day is over.
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Fitness.
We're too busy getting carpal tunnel in our thumbs to be concerned with getting fit. Plus, our avatar is super swoll and that's good enough for us.
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Navigation.
Men once circumnavigated the globe using nothing but our understanding of the cosmos. These days, when that signal drops, so does our stomach. We haven't looked at an actual map in over a decade, and can't make heads or tails of the nonsense happening up in the sky.
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Cat GIFs on command.
Manly men have always been a friend to the animal kingdom. Just look at Tarzan and Dr. Doolittle. But back in the day, there was a time and place for cuddly little kittens. Nowadays, if you see a guy smirking quietly to himself while staring down at his phone, it's probably because he's looking at adorable cat GIFs.
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Instant porn.
What can we say? It's hard to be disciplined and stuff when there's an endless supply of porn at our fingertips. If we're ever running about 20 minutes late, now you know why.
