One thing is certain: if you’ve ever taken an Uber, you’ve probably had a bad experience. Whether it was the smelly car, the reckless driver, an over-sharer, or a no-show, the fun never stops. But for some reason (obviously the convenience and price), we always come back for more, falling into the habit of repaying lousy rides with the occasional bad behavior of our own.
But now Uber is turning the tables on riders by launching a new scoring system that will kick users off if they don’t maintain a decent score. Adjusting to a world where we’re suddenly accountable for our own behavior won’t be easy, so we’ve come up with a cheat-sheet to get us through the first wave of the Uber purge. But don’t go sprinting toward that five-star rating. This, friends, will be a marathon.
Photo: MECKY (Getty Images)
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uber etiquette
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Be prompt.
Time is money and drivers don't like wasting it by waiting for you to finish chugging your beer and finding a matching pair of socks before you come out to the car. Be ready to go when you order the ride and life will be four-plus stars for you.
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Offer your driver a transformative massage.
Driving an Uber is an exhausting occupation. Imagine a really long road trip with a bunch of ungrateful strangers that ends in the same place you started. Now multiply that by five and you can understand the weekly toll this job takes on drivers. Show your compassion by offering your driver a shoulder rub (with oils). Set the radio to Enya. Watch your score go through the roof.
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Don’t break up with your boyfriend and then choke him in the backseat while on the way to Disneyland.
Unless he really, really had it coming, try waiting until you're out of the car to break up with your lousy boyfriend. Nobody wants to testify in court if they don't have to.
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Don't light your Uber on fire.
Do we really need to explain this one?
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Don't be a total weirdo.
This applies to pretty much anytime, but is especially useful when sharing a ride. Go ahead and be a weirdo, just not a total weirdo.
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Don’t vomit on your Uber driver or fellow passengers.
Pro tip: bring your own barf bag so that if you blow chunks, they can be projected directly into your tidy brown bag. This will save you at least two stars guaranteed.
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Don't end it all while riding shotgun in an Uber pool.
We've all been there, but trust us, it's not worth losing your Uber rating over.
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Don’t call Uber after your hot yoga class.
A little bit of sweat can be sexy. You get that glowing, island sheen look that is seductive and irresistible. But nobody likes it when you show up full swamp-ass after a 90-minute hot yoga class. Not only will it offend your driver, it will leave a you-shaped sweat stain on the passenger seat.
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Don’t key your driver's car right before you get in.
Wait until after.
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No more backseat sex with people you just met at the bar while sharing a ride home.
This one won't be easy, especially since Uber is basically the newest dating app, but we assure you it will help your score immensely. Let the Pope-like restraint be your new foreplay.
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Share your drugs and alcohol.
These guys don't get paid enough for the work they do. A little sharing of your drugs and alcohol can lead to bonding (and safer driving) and a general feeling of communal well-being. Right on, man.
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Respect the occupancy limit.
When Uber asks you how many riders are joining, be honest. These are "professional" drivers here, not the mom of your best friend from second grade who we all totally took advantage of and made drive the whole crew around in her Volvo every Saturday.
The power dynamic is shifting and for better or worse, we now have to treat Uber drivers like people. Follow these tips and you'll have no problem scoring a ride next time you're stranded outside a Steak N' Shake at 3:30 in the morning.
