What does it mean to be a good tipper? This question has existed since before planes, trains, and automobiles. Medieval knights, lords, and ladies spent countless hours debating how many shillings to award the local bar wench for a job well done. The question has held an indefinite value up until the present day; as we manically rummage through our wallets, purses, and mental piggy banks, it remains at the forefront of our mind. No one wants to look like a cheap asshole…unless, of course, you’re a loud and proud cheap asshole. May the following guidelines provide the safety net of rationale needed to properly tip in any given situation.
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The Mandatory Guide to Being a Good Tipper (In All Situations)
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Dinner
This is the big one; the world championship of the recurring tip situation. You’ve finally scored yourself a date with an actual human being and are taking them out to dinner. The last thing anyone wants to do is under-appreciate a good server; they may just snap upon viewing a less-than-impressive tip. There could be yelling, swearing and hand gestures. Your date will be ruined.
Mandatory Tip: Give your servers at least 20 percent, unless they truly suck.
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Drinks
This one gets tricky. Depending upon where you are, you may be expected to tip after every round; or, maybe it’s OK to tip at the end of the night. Gauge the situation. If your friend starts yelling “Shots!” and pounding the bar, tip immediately and generously. Those 12 bomb shots of Jäger were annoying to make.
Mandatory Tip: Rock the casbah. Bartenders are therapists of the night.
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Lunch
No one is spending a fortune going out for lunch. If you have deep pockets, drop a 30 percent tip. If you're out with your grandma, let’s be honest, you aren't paying, but she won't leave a tip. Leave $10 on the table.
Mandatory Tip: Get your boss to pay (in professional situations) or man up (in personal situations).
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Coffee
If you’re sitting down and getting served, tip the same way you would at lunch. If you’re just hitting up the Starbucks drive-thru, get the fuck out of there.
Mandatory Tip: Keep the change.
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Takeout
Sure, you could go back and give the chef some props after you eat if the food's stupendous. But you're not going to do that. And they don't expect you to. Besides, they forgot your side of ranch.
Mandatory Tip: Fuggedaboutit.
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Every Other Imaginable Situation
The tipping debate comes down to this: ask yourself how kind you want to be today. When you can, tip well. Not to the point of self-induced poverty, but just enough so that you can walk out of that dry cleaner’s, meat market, or local watering hole feeling like a million bucks. Gratuity can be positive reinforcement, a gesture of goodwill towards man. Invest in the world around you. Whatever number immediately pops into your head — that’s what you should tip. If that number was 0, it's time to rethink your place among humanity — and start cooking your own food, brewing your own java, and washing your own clothes, you ungrateful bastard.
