We’ve all been there: you’re accosted at a party by a close-talking, mouth-breathing, halitosis-afflicted person who won’t stop yammering but says nothing of substance. You eye the bar, the buffet, and the dance floor but can’t make eye contact with anyone to come and save you from the utter hell that is a boring conversation. We can’t change the past, but there is hope for your future social life. Memorize these 19 reliable lines and you’ll be able to get out of any conversation, no matter how mind-numbing, with just a few words. Be brave, party-goer. We believe in you.
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Exit Conversation Lines
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'I require liquor.'
Don't we all.
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'I need some pie.'
Who doesn't understand that sentiment?
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'Sorry, I have to take this.'
This works best if your phone actually rings, but if not, just pretend it's on silent and you happened to look down at your screen at just the right time.
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'Gosh, look at the time.'
Point to your watch (or just your bare wrist) and hopefully they'll get the point.
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'I have to go pretend to care.'
Ugh. Social obligations. Not only will this line get you out of further conversation, it will garner you sympathy, too.
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'I gotta pee.'
You're human, after all.
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'Excuse me. I have to go and vomit.'
This statement is specific and gross enough not to warrant any further questions.
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'I'm trying to elevate small talk to medium talk.'
The unspoken part of this is, "And since you're making that impossible, I have to leave."
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'I wanna go.'
Blunt and to the point. You're really doing them a favor.
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'To be continued.'
Leave them hungry for more.
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'Allow me to introduce...'
Sometimes the only way to get out of the conversation is bring someone else in. Pick a victim, any victim, and let the introductions begin.
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'Talk amongst yourselves.'
Say this, then slowly back away.
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'I might need an inhaler.'
By saying "might," you're not technically lying. Any of us "might" need an inhaler. You never know.
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'I must go. My planet needs me.'
My Little Pony your way out of that shitty conversation. No shame.
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'I need to regroup.'
And by "regroup," you mean "alone."
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'I should go away from this conversation.'
Keep it vague and no one gets hurt.
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'Nama-stay away from me.'
This is a combination goodbye and a threat. Brilliant.
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'Not interested. Moving on.'
Cue jaw drop.
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'You have issues and you need to go.'
Call it like it is, sister.
