The results are in. Americans are driving stoned all over God’s creation. According to the CDC’s latest Morbidity and Mortality Report, a whopping 12 million Americans cruised the nation’s highways and byways while high on the grass (and that’s not even counting weed hangovers). As the government continues to make new discoveries about pot, researchers are beginning to understand what stoners already know. Toking up can seriously alter a driver’s behavior, including reaction time, perception, and doughnut consumption. But most importantly, operating a vehicle while high can cause drivers to forget where the hell they’re going in the first place. If you or someone you love is currently lost while driving, consider checking out the locations below. And if all else fails, stop by the local Krispy Kreme. They’re bound to turn up sooner or later.
Photo: Dirk Anschutz (Getty Images)
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driving stoned
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The Drive-Thru
They had hunger. But the purr of the motor lulled them into a watercolor daydream. Now they're drifting down a strange interstate with a goofy smile plastered to their face. Don't worry, they'll find a Wendy's eventually.
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The Movies
They saw an ad for a new Scooby-Doo movie and got really excited. Then a commercial for hot wings came on the radio and left them feeling confused. Don't call the police. Once they sober up, they'll remember there isn't a new Scooby-Doo movie after all. It was just their dog jumping off the couch.
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Under the Helicopter
It's their day off and they have errands to run, but then they see a helicopter and start following it. Don't fret. Just look for the car driving 10 mph down the freeway following the helicopter.
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A Court Date
If they happen to miss their court date, don't despair. A man will come to their house to personally escort them to jail.
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An Actual Date
Who is Nancy and why does she keep calling?
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Their Dealer's House
They ran out of weed, which means they will return home soon, mostly sober, until they remember they ran out of weed. At which point, they'll get so high off of bong rips at their dealer's house that they'll crash into a tree. Luckily, they will be parked when the crash occurs.
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Work
Don't stress. He was too good for that job anyway.
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Krispy Kreme
He just spent 20 minutes looking for a parking spot, then another five trying to park. After that, he'll have no idea why he even left the house and head to Krispy Kreme.
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He Came to the Car to Get a Lighter
Hey, nobody's perfect. Just be thankful he doesn't ride a motorcycle.
