Congratulations! You made it through coronavirus quarantine intact and alive. Now, after months of overeating and inactivity, you’re eager to get back in shape. Gyms are reopening across the country, and you’re determined to be among the first to pick up those weights, tire yourself out on the treadmill, and lose that “quarantine 15.” Before you dive back into your exercise routine and work up that long-awaited sweat, however, make sure you review the proper gym etiquette. We’ve made it easy for you with this rusty American’s guide to getting back to being a douchebag gym rat.
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Douchebag Gym Rat
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Take up all the space.
Hey, you need room to move and groove during your workout. Don't let anybody encroach on your space or try to limit your range of motion. The weight room is yours, all yours! Dominate as you see fit.
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Make some noise.
You can't help it if sound escapes you when you pump iron. Grunting makes your heavy lifting feel just a bit easier. If someone doesn't like it, they can turn their music up louder.
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Sing along.
If you're enjoying a jam on the final mile of your run, go ahead and sing along; surely your fellow gym rats won't mind. Your taste in music is enviable, after all. You're practically doing them a favor by sharing your impressive playlist with them.
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Sweat everywhere.
Sweat is when muscles cry. That's your motto, anyway. If you don't leave a puddle on every piece of equipment, you aren't trying hard enough. There's no need to wipe down after yourself, however; that's what cleaning staff are for.
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Comment on other people’s workouts.
Everyone needs motivation, especially while working up a sweat. If you see someone struggling to finish their set, by all means, offer up some words of encouragement.
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Gawk away.
If that tight-bodied cutie didn't want to be looked at during her workout, she'd be toiling away in her basement in a ratty old T-shirt and sweatpants. But she's not. She's one machine away in a Spandex bra and itty bitty shorts that are so tight you're not sure how she got into them (or will get out). Give her the once-over and wordlessly let her know that she is workin' that workout.
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Hit on all the ladies.
With all that perspiration (and, by association, pheromones) in the air, you can't help but put out a mating call while at the gym. What else do people workout for if not to strut their stuff and try to attract a mate? To ignore the scantily-clad ladies around you would be downright rude. They're practically begging to get hit on.
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Keep your cell phone close at hand.
A gym is a public space like any other; if you need to take a phone call in between reps, why shouldn't you? The weight room's not the freakin' library. If someone needs peace and quiet, they should be working out in their garage.
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Make yourself at home in the shower.
You pay hefty dues at the gym, which means the shower is basically yours while you use it. Treat it as such. Blow your nose, pee, fart, jerk off; make yourself at home beneath the spray and do whatever you would normally do. The water will wash away your sins.
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Let it all hang out.
Why do dudes get so self-conscious in the locker room? There's nothing to be ashamed of. You're all gentleman here, so what's to hide? Air dry at will if that's what works for you. A little nudity never hurt anybody.
