Halloween Candy Arrives Early (And in Family Size) to Ensure America Maintains Obesity Levels

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It might seem a bit premature, but Halloween candy has already started showing up at grocery stores throughout the country. We understand “getting ahead of things,” but we honestly can’t understand who walks into a grocery store in August and says, “I think it’s time to stock up on Halloween candy before it all runs out.” Regardless, it’s sitting on store shelves waiting to be purchased. With more than a month to go before the spooky holiday, this is a really dangerous game the candy makers are playing with deeply depressed, quarantined people with nothing to do except sulk and stuff their faces with sugary treats.

We know all about the usual Halloween suspects such as candy corn, tiny pumpkins, pumpkin-flavored everything, and massively huge bags of Snickers, Twix, Milky Way, and every other tooth-achingly, chocolate-filled candy on the market. Even in the middle of a pandemic, Big Chocolate is pushing bigger and bigger bags of candy to ensure sales and keep up that childhood (and adult) sugar addiction.

Does anyone really need a 20-pound bag of Smarties and Tootsie Rolls? We think not. Are kids even going to be trick-or-treating this year? If you buy a bag that large (or even half that size) you’re pretty much lying to yourself about the fact that you just want to eat handfuls of candy like you’re some kind of over-sized Augustus Gloop.

This year not only has Halloween candy already hit shelves, but so has Thanksgiving candy. Who even knew there was a thing as Thanksgiving candy? Regardless, candy maker Brach’s dropped one of the strangest sacks of candy corn imaginable. It’s called the “Turkey Candy Corn Mix” and, not only is it adorned in the colors of the season, the bag is full of various flavored candy corn including sweet potato pie and cranberry sauce as well as the highly debatable flavors of stuffing, green beans, ginger glazed carrots, and roasted turkey.

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Honestly, we’re kind of terrified to even try this seasonally strange candy corn mix. But that won’t stop us from eating our favorite Halloween candy from now until after Thanksgiving. The candy companies are pretty much making us anyway.

In honor of stuffing our faces with sugary goodness, we decided to rank our favorite candy of all time. Check them all out below.

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