Say what you want about America. We’re loud, lazy, and can’t fix our bridges. But one thing we can do is eat a shit ton of pizza. In fact, we eat more pizza than the rest of the world combined. And that’s exactly why we have an entire day dedicated to it, a 24-hour span of time on February 9 where patriotic Americans will consume upwards of 20 million pizzas. (Thank you National Pizza Day!)
But National Pizza Day is about so much more than just enjoying a slice or two. It’s about stuffing our faces with enough cheesy crust to walk wrong for three days straight. It’s about staring down an extra-large dough goddess and courageously devouring her with a 2-liter of pop as our insides threaten to clot.
But we don’t want to skirt this gorgeously saucy near-death experience by gorging on just any pizza. We’re Americans. We want the best. So today we’re rounding up every style of pie and throwing them into a cage match to watch their soft, glutenous bodies fight to the death.
Are you ready to let the pepperoni fly? Meet your contenders and find out which pie will reign supreme on America’s greatest national holiday since Free Donut Day.
Cover Photo: Jonathan Mendoza / EyeEm (Getty Images)
WINNER: Um…
Are you kidding? It’s pizza! God’s greatest gift to mankind and the best food with little to no nutritional value that we could eat every day. This entire deathmatch was just an excuse to binge pizza porn in an act of gratuitous foreplay for the cheesy wet dream to come. Just thank your lucky stars pizza is even in your life. And make sure you go out and grab a pie on National Pizza Day or you’ll have seven years of bad pizza.
Pizza Battle 2022
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New York Style
The pilsner of pie. In 1905, New York became the birthplace of American pizza with the opening of Lombardi's. Quickly becoming the gold standard with its large, hand-tossed dough, generous toppings, and thick-handled crust, this style of za is more classic than a man with a mullet sporting Ray-Bans in a top-down Cadillac.
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Chicago Deep Dish
Weighing in at a whopping 4 pounds, a traditional deep-dish pizza is nigh impossible to eat alone (in one sitting). It boasts a thick 2-inch crust and is filled upside-down with the most generous toppings of any pie. Baked in an iron skillet or cake pan, this behemoth is the best thing to come out of Chicago's rivalry with New York. It takes longer to bake but is always worth the wait.
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Neapolitan Style
Although flatbreads topped with goodies date back to ancient Egypt, the true origins of pizza as we know it begins in Naples. Using super-fine OO flour hand-pressed into a roundish shape, the pizza is very lightly topped before entering a wood-fired oven burning at over 800 degrees. These pies cook in under two minutes, ensuring the crowd of folks gathered in the street doesn't turn into a hangry mob. You'll know a Neapolitan style from the thin, chewy dough and the fiery leopard stripes dotting the underside. Done right, it's pure heaven.
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Montanara
Also hailing from the gateway to Pompeii, the Montanara undergoes the same process as its more famous cousin, except for one difference. The dough balls are flash-fried in oil before being topped and slid into the oven. The result is an even doughier, chewier shortcut to nirvana.
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California Syle
If you think a California Style za comes infused with THC and native honey, you wouldn't be too far off. Based on the Neapolitan model, the west coast takes the simplicity of a thin crust and uses local meats and produce to enhance the flavor toppings. Think wild arugula, fennel sausage, avocado with lemon, or a sunny egg with prosciutto. Because California grows just about everything known to man, the plethora of fresh ingredients has beautifully expanded the flavor profiles of pizza.
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Sicilian Pie
Sicilians are a proud people whose pie never falls below a one-inch thickness. And they don't waste time or space with silly old crust. Sauce and cheese go out to the edges and the dough has a more airy crumb structure than any other type. Traditionally, the flavors are simple yet bold, favoring onion, anchovies, and strong cheeses. And if your date can't handle that, bring the pizza home to mom instead.
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Detroit Style
Oh baby, if you've never had the pleasure of putting one of these bad boys in your mouth, hang up the phone and get yourself to a Detroit-style pizza parlor immediately. This magical creation was inspired by the Sicilian way, opting for a fluffier dough and rectangular shape. But what sets it apart is the cheesy coating on the pan crust which results in a crispy, parmesan-infused crunch with every bite. Don't be alarmed if strange new noises begin emanating from your pizza-filled mouth, it's normal.
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Roman Style
When in Rome, do as the Romans do and eat motherf*cking pizza. Rome actually boasts two types of za with the late-night takeaway style resembling focaccia bread and ordered by weight then cut into squares. Then there's the restaurant version, which incorporates olive oil into the dough for a crispier, cracker-thin pizza that won't weigh you down on the long chariot ride home. Some historians say that if Rome had invented pizza, their empire would have lasted another 1,000 years.
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Calzone
Is it even a pizza? Yes. Think of it as an uncircumcised pizza. Scratch that. Think of it as a superior hand pie. Most of us fold our pizzas to cram them into our mouths anyway. The calzone does the work for us, with the dough folded over to create a pocket of steamy goodness you can grab on the go and not make a mess of yourself. Once again, we have Naples to thank for this ingenious pizza-delivery system that deserves a lot more credit than it gets.
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Little Caesar's
What do Pizza Hut, Papa John's, Little Caesar's, and Domino's all have in common? They sell more pizzas than anybody in the world. But they also don't make the best pizza. If you're one of the five million Americans who plan to order from these guys on National Pizza Day, do yourself a favor and find a local pizzeria that does it better. And if there isn't one in your area, go ahead and open one. A good pizzeria always turns a profit and the angels will smile upon you from above in eternal glory.
