The holidays are behind us. The gifts are opened. You’ve given. You’ve received. You embraced the spirit of generosity, peace on Earth, goodwill toward men.
Now, it’s time to get back to normal. Think about yourself. Knock down the other guy. And, get offended that I violated somebody’s safe space and didn’t write “…goodwill toward men, women, trans-peoples, small animals, twigs, bits of string, etc.”
In short, it’s time for the ugliness to return and for everyone to behave like jackasses once again — unless you received that one all all-powerful key to extending the good cheer and glad tidings: The gift card.
Also: 2015 Last Minute Holiday Gifts for the Home
The gift card is magic. It is a shape shifter with ability to transform into anything for sale (within the budget poetry locked into its magnetic strip). It can time travel and become something else entirely in the future. It is a present with a lifespan counted in potential.
The good people at Lowe’s wanted to help me demonstrate the potential power of after holiday’s mojo. They threw open their doors and pointed the way to a varied menagerie of bigger ticket items — all in the service of aiding me as I demonstrate the grace of the gift card.
In the gallery below, you’ll see this assembled collection of items that not only prove the supremacy of a gift that buys you something you want, but gear that promises to improve the life of any man who cashes in the precious life of his gift cards.
Lowe's Big Ticket Items
The good people at Lowe's through opened their doors and turned the lights on some of their coolest big ticket items.
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BioLite Campstove 10.5-in Wood Manual Ignition Orange Outdoor Stove
People who go camping say they do so to enjoy nature and get away from all of the noise and technology of our daily lives. I don't think that's true since most of the campers I know would love to get their hands on the BioLite Campstove 10.5-in Wood Manual Ignition Orange Outdoor Stove. For about $130, the primary function of this camping gadget is immediately obvious. Burn wood. Gain warmth. Cook food. Campers of bygone eras would be happy with that. Warmth and hot food were all they needed to get through a night in the woods.
However, this is the 21st Century. The Biolite will charge pretty much any USB-powered device, with about 20 minutes of charge time into 60 minutes of run time. It's a campstove that turns dry sticks and pine cones into a conversation with everyone who's not camping.
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Char-Griller Duo 3-Burner Liquid Propane Gas Grill
There's an ongoing debate amidst grill masters if gas grilling should be allowed to coexist with charcoal cooking. It's one of those uppity, foodie, First World Problem sort of questions, but pit masters insist on charcoal — while most amateur home chefs don't seem to have a problem with propane.
You can tell both sides to get over themselves and pound sand while you cook with both, thanks to the Char-Griller Duo 3-Burner Liquid Propane Gas Grill.
For around $300, the Duo 3-Burner offers an ample liquid propane cooking space alongside a full charcoal grill for dual cooking. You can throw enough meat on this thing to fill the mouths of any foodie herd, thus shutting them up completely.
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Masterbuilt JMSS 800-Watt Electric Vertical Smoker
Grills are great, and every guy should have a decent grill. But, if you want to set yourself up as a true meat lover and aspiring chef, get yourself a smoker. I mean the kind that prepares savory food, and not the kind of clown who has to stand outside bars in winter time, shivering while he sucks on a cigarette pinched between his trembling fingers.
The Masterbuilt JMSS 800-Watt Electric Vertical Smoker uses high tech to get that that hickory flavor, including remote control access.
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Kobalt 80-Volt Max Lithium Ion 21-in Cordless Electric Push Lawn Mower
There are folks across the eastern half of this great country that want to smack me for talking about cutting grass during winter storm season. They need to remember it won't be winter forever.
The Kobalt 80-Volt Max Lithium Ion 21-in Cordless Electric Push Lawn Mower is fully rechargeable and lightweight because you're not pushing some heavy two-cycle gasoline engine around atop those rotating blades.
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Frigidaire 8-Bottle Black Wine Chiller
There's no reason to put too a fine a point on this. If you have a lady headed over to your place, and you want to add a touch of proper grown-up sophisticated to your living space, the Frigidaire 8-Bottle Black Wine Chiller tells the world you're a man who knows his wine and wants to keep it at the proper temperature.
Just make sure you don't fill it with Mountain Dew or 40s of Olde English.
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Portfolio Bluetooth Audio 6-Path Light Black Low Voltage 8.5-Watt LED Path Light Kit
You might say these are just lights. What's exciting about a set of $150 lights? You have to understand the potential of the Portfolio Bluetooth Audio 6-Path Light Black Low Voltage 8.5-Watt LED Path Light Kit. First of all, they add attractive and security-friendly lighting to the outside of your house, garage, pool, etc. (It's up to you to take care of getting said, house and such.)
But, you can mess with everyone from visitors to neighbors to your grandma when these landscape lights unleash their integrated speakers to stream audio via Bluetooth wireless technology. Of course, they're designed to provide outdoor entertainment with their glow, but I often think of how to muck about with people first when considering a new device.
