Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
— (@matt___nelson) May 24, 2016
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 4, 2016
i respect what vegans do but let me just go on record to say i have zero interest in prolonging my life on this garbage planet
— fruit jam (@nurserycrimes) July 3, 2016
No freakin way… What a time to be alive pic.twitter.com/PxXJoZF9gx
— ◢ M I K E D I V A ◣ (@Mikediva) June 29, 2016
I respect that in 2016 Stephen Hawking still uses the robot voice when he could totally have a normal sounding one. That’s branding, folks.
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) July 1, 2016
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken— Pixelated Boat (@pixelatedboat) June 13, 2015
yes, autocorrect. i definitely meant to offer a monkey-back guarantee.
— the ortolan (@rachelle_mandik) July 1, 2016
I’ve seen Bruce Wayne’s parents die in a movie more times than I’ve seen my parents kiss.
— Daniel Ralston (@danielralston) March 29, 2016
“Quit it, Bryce.”
“No you quit it.” pic.twitter.com/TwOPDPeq7Z
— philippe iujvidin (@philyuck) June 21, 2015
“A hero is someone who has given his or her life to something bigger than oneself.” – Joseph Campbell @tacobell pic.twitter.com/5nfcy48vgn
— Steve Zaragoza (@stevezaragoza) May 18, 2016
I hate myself but in the fun way where I still take selfies
— Drew Monson (@mytoecold) June 28, 2016
man what??? lmao pic.twitter.com/DICA95Abdt
— BASED JE$U$ (@BASEDJESUS) June 4, 2016
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
— NickerDoodle (@OneTrickTofani) April 27, 2016
At this very moment, all the Sesame Street characters are extremely still and lifeless with their eyes wide open
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) February 11, 2016
My niece asked me to play House but then she got all upset when I walked around with a limp & sarcastically diagnosed her mysterious illness
— Max Miller (@RuinMyWeek) May 4, 2016
okay but you don’t have to be mean about it pic.twitter.com/DeNZ3VVUJM
— kristen (@kristendrum) May 7, 2016
Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car masturbating. I accidentally honked like 7 times.
— @TitansHomer (@TitansHomer) December 28, 2012
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY— hannah (@TribalSpaceCat) May 29, 2015
if i were a fruit id be a cantaloupe because I’m a big piece of shit
— Kelsy Abbott (@kelsyabbott) May 21, 2012
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.— Ray (@SirEviscerate) May 15, 2016
Want more? Check out last week’s hilarious tweets.
