Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
It says there’s 140 calories per can of Coke but here’s my secret: I never eat the can
— Just Jason (@longwall26) July 14, 2016
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss— KING RAINHEAD (@KingRainhead) March 3, 2016
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
— The Tony™ (@TweetsByTheTony) November 13, 2015
I’m sure if everybody keeps scolding each other as hard as we can online the world will get more peaceful.
— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) July 8, 2016
POKEMON GO (2018): tom hanks and emma stone star as two loners who set out to find pokemon and end up finding love
— andy levy (@andylevy) July 11, 2016
*calls wife into the bedroom*
*dims the lights*
*turns on Marvin Gaye*
*sexily sweeps toddler’s collection of trucks off the bed*— Goats? (@Gooooats) July 23, 2015
I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend
you should, realize, an ape that size,
could kill you in its pen— Albrokemon Go (@bromanconsul) July 3, 2016
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*— Josh (@iwearaonesie) July 15, 2016
Every evening from 7 to 8 PM, my neighbor’s child practices piano with what sounds like her face.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) October 27, 2015
I like restaurants where they cook meats at my table, hell, cook it on my lap. Cook the food on my face, or punt it at me, who cares, not me
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) July 10, 2016
do whatever you want as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone. play a children’s game on ur phone. take a selfie. be gay. who the hell cares
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) July 14, 2016
I’m looking for a new job if your company needs someone who’s good at falsely appearing smart
— Hippo (@InternetHippo) July 8, 2016
*at ex-girlfriend’s funeral*
Still playing hard to get, I see.— Line Art Lionheart (@notalogin) October 23, 2015
Every story about edible weed:
1. Not high.
2. Not high.
3. Still not high.
4. Not high.
5. Please drive me to the emergency room.— Bill Dixon (@BillDixonish) November 1, 2015
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.— Wilde Thingy (@WildeThingy) June 19, 2015
I roll dice the “long way” by swallowing them then waiting.
— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) July 13, 2016
when his all of his Pokémon’s CP levels are higher than your ex’s pic.twitter.com/phUAEmiMOW
— Shigeru Miyamoto (@RealShigeruM) July 16, 2016
A dating app that just shows the last 5 articles the other person shared on social media.
— Tim Federle (@TimFederle) October 29, 2015
When my girlfriend eats iced citrus juice she gets pains in her teeth. I call her my lemon sore bae!! Haha I have lived alone for many years
— Jazmasta (@jazmasta) July 14, 2016
Alfred: welcome home sir, shall i fetch your bathrobe
Bruce: hey watch it i’m out of uniform
Alfred: pardon me sir, shall i fetch your hrobe— FRO VO (@fro_vo) April 28, 2016
Want more? Check out last week’s hilarious tweets.
