Photo: eli_asenova (Getty) / murrman5 (Twitter)
Are you stuck trying to figure out what to get that one person on your Christmas shopping list that says, “I don’t know. Just get me whatever?” Well you’re in luck, because this collection of tweets isn’t just hilarious, it’s also free! You know how much money you’re going to save on Secret Santa gifts? Probably $20! Enjoy!
The 30 Funniest Christmas Tweets Of All Time:
The older you get the more holidays become about keeping your father off a ladder
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) November 27, 2014
can’t stop laughing at this dude in a cop car dressed as the grinch running a red light pic.twitter.com/N3mveNTvWn
— stefan heck (@boring_as_heck) September 22, 2016
wow pitbull made a christmas album, here is the leaked track list pic.twitter.com/gdaaKbp57V
— eric turtle (@dubstep4dads) December 25, 2015
Any tree can be a Christmas tree if you yell at your family around it.
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) December 12, 2012
Sorry I can’t make it, all I have are beautiful Christmas sweaters.
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) December 11, 2014
*Santa comes down the chimney and finds quinoa & shredded coconut cookies and soy milk* Wtf is this pinteresty shit
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) December 22, 2014
The new #StarbucksRedCup is extremely anti-Christmas & wrong pic.twitter.com/skUPKyPbTy
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) November 10, 2015
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
— Dollars Horton (@crushingbort) June 5, 2013
Being Jewish around Christmas is like being a woman around RUSH fans.
— rachel lichtman (@rachelichtman) November 28, 2014
when ur Christmas af https://t.co/1wAdjduOFH
— no (@tbhjuststop) December 11, 2014
“Um wow okay”
-all of Santa’s other reindeer— hannah (@TribalSpaceCat) December 14, 2014
Hey kid, that wasn’t Santa… you saw your mom and dad engaging in foreplay. Merry Christmas.
— Lee Newton (@leenewtonsays) December 13, 2013
Just watched Home Alone with my kids in hopes that they’ll understand I’m going on vacation without them.
— Elizabeth (@Elizasoul80) December 1, 2015
I hope Jesus remembers to turn off Facebook notifications today
— Eli Braden (@EliBraden) December 24, 2015
mery christmas! i got u a gift
“oh wow im sory i didnt get u anything”
yes u did!! the feeling of moral superiority. this will last all year— jomny sun (@jonnysun) December 14, 2014
Christmas is ruined pic.twitter.com/IxJFki1Dhh
— cory snearowski (@corysnearowski) December 15, 2014
I wrote a new christmas song called “I’m also horny for you, lady”. basically it’s santas response to the lady that sings “santa baby”
— slick (@dlicj) December 6, 2014
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”— brent (@murrman5) December 3, 2014
Where Are They Now? A Christmas Story pic.twitter.com/w7Vzu6j8ac
— Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) December 22, 2016
Jesus must’ve hated that his birthday fell so close to christmas
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) December 23, 2015
8 maids a milking is probably the only day of Christmas I can jack off to
— Jeffrey Hadz (@Hadzilla) December 11, 2013
Santa Claus is coming to town and he needs to sleep on your couch man, just for a couple of days until he gets a job, and can he borrow $100
— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) December 20, 2014
put christ back in christmas and put the god damn southwest chicken melt back on the $5 footlong menu
— everett byram (@rad_milk) December 8, 2014
Home Alone 6: Take A Hint, Kevin
— John Miguel McCauley (@Mickey_McCauley) May 7, 2013
The 12 Days of Christmas reads like the amazon wish list of someone tripping balls
— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) December 13, 2014
the ladies call me “the Christmas advertisement” cause it seems like i always come way too early
— chuuch (@ch000ch) October 21, 2013
Home Alone is so unrealistic; kids are super easy to kill.
— philippe iujvidin (@philyuck) December 13, 2014
I’m arranging all your Christmas Cards by number of years your marriage has left based on how forced the smiles are in your family photo.
— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) December 22, 2014
Make my wish come true. All I want for Christmas is you(r HBO GO password).
— braden graeber (@hipstermermaid) December 12, 2014
If you don’t have a chimney Santa just bursts through your walls like the Kool-Aid Man
— brian essbe (@SortaBad) December 22, 2014
