Photo: NBC
It’s a fine line between 29 and 30, but it’s also like a canyon of lost dreams. It changes in a snap, but once you switch over to the dark side, you quickly learn the things you used to love to do in your 20s you wouldn’t dare try in your 30s (i.e. running in public). When you’re in your 20s, the world is yours for the taking, and there’s nothing you can’t accomplish. But the moment your clock turns 30, it’s over. And that includes karaoke.
You think we’re exaggerating? Tell that to my lower back, which I threw out, along with my shin splints when I tried to run, my chiropractor who thinks I should just end it now before it gets any worse, my eyes that burn by 5 p.m. from texting too much, my arthritis, my carpel tunnel, the knots in my neck and my ex-girlfriend who swears “it happens to the best of them.” You know, there’s a lot of years left to go, but we’re thinking our 30s is a steep decline so that the rest of life can be relaxing knowing we’re never going to run like Tom Cruise again.
Obviously, we’re being a little bombastic here (or are we?), but your 30s can definite whoop your butt if you’re not on top of it. Now read about the things you loved to do in your 20s you wouldn’t dare try in your 30s, then watch the tears stream down your cheeks with the speed of future burning urinations.
Things You Loved to Do in Your 20s You Wouldn’t Dare Try in Your 30s
You like a good laugh? How about: Remember That One Time You Thought Nic Cage Was Actually Good?
Things For Your 20s Not 30s
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Jello Wrestling
You think it's a good idea until you step into the ring. Then you realize your limbs aren't quite as limber, you can't handle your liquor and the person you're wrestling isn't a hot 20-something but an old man rather.
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Beer Bongs
When you avoid jello wrestling, you'll find yourself wandering around the party trying to find something better to do. Beer bongs are not those things. Maybe just start staying home, reading books and learning to knit.
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Starting A Band
You missed the window to become a rockstar once the clock hits 30. We're not saying shy away from making and playing music, and we're not saying you can't do it in public, but we are saying your days of ass-less leather chaps and pounding whiskey between verses are dwindling.
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Experimenting With New Drugs
It's not so much about you. Your friends don't have patience to talk you down from your bad trip, however. Most grownups have jobs and kids, and they don't want to risk getting in trouble when they bring your comatose body to the hospital then peel out.
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Dressing Up For Halloween Alone
Photo: via Huffington Post
Halloween can be a hoot, if you're dressing up with your hot girlfriend. Doing Halloween as a single guy was funny when you had no shame and everybody was whacked out on weed and adderall, but now everyone is relatively sober, which isn't helping you pumpkin spice bikini look.
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Bringing Strippers Home To Mom
Photo: via iwastesomuchtime.com
It's bad enough when you date women with names you shouldn't date. But your family is going to thank you for not making it awkward when you bring home a nice girl, instead of the Ashley Madisons of the world. Two first names? Can't trust her.
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Avoiding Giving Your Ignorant Political Opinions
It feels like we were reserved with our political thoughts in our 20s, which was good because we didn't know shit. There's no avoiding it in your 30s, though, as everyone has an opinion. Funny thing: People still don't know shit.
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Going Beyond Super
It's good to know when you've done your part. You met your quota, then went a little above the call to do something great, but sometimes people just get greedy and linger and try to be their own superhero. Here's to knowing when enough is enough.
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Jumping Over Things
It was fun when you were agile, but now when you look at the baby toys on the ground and think it'll be fun to clear them with an active Tom Cruise move, you'll be saddened to know your body is going through muscle atrophy. Just pray your child isn't one of the toys you land on.
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Up Till Sunrise
Photo: via ultimateclassicrock.com
There's no quick way of bouncing back from that in your 30s. In your 20s, it was cute and fun with no hangover. In your 30s, it'll ruin an entire year doing it just once. Trust us.
