Header Photo: FRED TANNEAU/AFP (Getty) / @tigersgoroooar (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends later and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @Mandatory on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 12-1-17
“Die Hard is my favourite Christmas movie!”
“Okay.”
“Get it…because it’s an action movie. That takes place during Christmas.”
“Yeah. Got it.”
“A lot of people choose Christmas-y movies as their favourites.”
“Uh huh.”
“But not me! Nope! It’s Die Hard.”
“That’s nice.”— Elizabeth M. (@_ElizabethMay) November 27, 2017
ZOOLANDER 3 looks so good pic.twitter.com/DbqO5kmN8H
— Larry Wright (@refocusedmedia) November 30, 2017
[guy who invented gummy bears]
*trying to squish a grizzly bear between his thumb and finger* this is just dangerous— schmox (@IvoryGazelle) November 30, 2017
Purebread dogs vs. inbread dogs pic.twitter.com/e1nC0d7EkR
— Tinker ‘maybe we should stop touching kids’ Elle (@elle91) February 22, 2017
If marijuana is the devil’s lettuce, then what’s the lettuce of angels? Iceberg? Try telling that to the victims of the Titanic who died.
— Garry Anderson (@Garry2Funny) November 1, 2017
solve mysteries with a dog https://t.co/7ciFeHZuvb
— Jalen Skutt (@JalenSkutt) November 21, 2017
It’s been four years since Paul Walker died and I still think think fairly frequently about someone making and posting this within a day pic.twitter.com/1qBZSqxzU0
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) November 30, 2017
Me: 911 whats your emergency?
Caller: help theres 2 armed men in my home
Me: lol so. if there was 3 armed men THATD be crazy. like mutants
— rudy mustang (@rudy_mustang) September 23, 2016
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal— Hi, it’s Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) March 11, 2016
seriously ???? do @OfficialPLT think am fucking slenderman pic.twitter.com/tZ8kmWYhzI
— Dan (@psychedelime) November 24, 2017
H-hey Morty.. I t-turned myself into Nicki Minaj! I’m Ricki Minaj!!pic.twitter.com/NntkGRXnQd
— Rick (((and Morty))) (@itsrickmorty) November 19, 2017
Though flattered, I realized my girlfriend was far too white when she described my penis size as “Venti.”
— The Untastic Mr. Fitz (@UnFitz) January 20, 2017
Because 21 is 100% of 31 pic.twitter.com/hEuEn4HVyf
— Not Sara (@smithsara79) November 27, 2017
it’s that time of the year again pic.twitter.com/49EMDlpv8J
— Stonepa (@Stonepa11) November 26, 2017
dad: “start a rumour so people are scared of you”
me: “ok”
[later]
cellmate: “i kill people for money”
me: “i brush my teeth with hot water”— k e i t h (@KeetPotato) February 6, 2017
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: Having a party later, just bring a bottle of wine. Can you make it?
ME: Hahaha no, I have no idea how to make wine[1 week later]
ME [spits out coffee] DAMN IT— Jon (@ArfMeasures) November 29, 2017
Lol my mom has fought with so many of her friends that this picture is just of her w/ a bunch of no headed ladies pic.twitter.com/i1AlH3Troz
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) December 26, 2014
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
— pony starwars (@tigersgoroooar) November 13, 2017
CRYSTAL METH: THE TRUTH. pic.twitter.com/b3oho3xwxs
— Geraint (@geraintgriffith) November 30, 2017
[first lumberjack meeting]
Guy 1: “What should we yell when we cut down a tree?”
Guy 2: “Clear the way?”
Guy 3: “The tree is falling now!”
Tim Burr: “I have an idea…”
— NOVS (@novixv) November 22, 2017
