Header Photo: FRED TANNEAU/AFP (Getty) / @SirEviscerate (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends later and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @Mandatory on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 12-29-17
walmart bathrooms are the closest thing to being trapped in the upside down
— jovan (@EhJovan) December 24, 2017
Jude Law can get it pic.twitter.com/36o9oSC7qH
— penjamin.nog (@upsidedowntrash) December 21, 2017
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
— Tinker Elle (@elle91) December 27, 2017
If your name is π, and your mom is standing at the top of the stairs yelling “3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592307816406286…” you’re about to get in some trouble.
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) December 9, 2017
Did anyone do this yet pic.twitter.com/iJuSE3erB7
— Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) December 21, 2017
My cousin’s grandma Grand Maggie recently told my aunt “I think there’s an opossum in our owl house” and Aunt Molly said “what makes you think that?” and Grand Maggie sent her this picture pic.twitter.com/QzPYY8sTXD
— Katie Wojciechowski (@katiesays_) December 21, 2017
Me normally: Fuck capitalism. It’s a rigged system that keeps us poor and it isn’t fair. You shouldn’t need to work 3 jobs to afford basic necessities.
Me playing Monopoly: Sorry, if you wanted to win you should have tried not being poor.
— Denizcan James (@MrFilmkritik) December 26, 2017
me in 4th grade on google search: “big sexy naked boob”
me now, smart: “big sexy naked boob (HD)”
— eric turtle (@dubstep4dads) December 7, 2017
guess what, I have a new favourite meme pic.twitter.com/6AUlnfFtcX
— its beginning to look a lot like crombuns (@courtwhip) December 23, 2017
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.— Dave Cactus (@dave_cactus) September 3, 2017
merry christmas I got the literal same shirt I was already wearing pic.twitter.com/lYVFOIrHCU
— ballin’ ass furlin (@thefurlinator) December 25, 2013
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
— glad tidings enthusiast (@AbrasiveGhost) December 21, 2017
If I had a dollar for every time I saw a joke like this, it’d be a real departure from how money is usually distributed in a market economy.
— Line Art Lionheart (@notalogin) May 7, 2014
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
— Marf (@MarfSalvador) September 1, 2017
Just locked eyes with a spider, but instead of killing him, I ran away & hid so he can spend the whole night stressing about where I am.
— liv. (@liv_thatsme) October 7, 2017
Please stop calling us your “squad” Linda this is book club
— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) June 23, 2015
The truest form of respect for your elders is when they show you a “funny” viral video on fb from 2013 and you sit thru the whole thing fake laughing just for their enjoyment.
— Al Pundy (@Al_Pundy) November 9, 2017
GOD: You have probably 70-80 years at most before you die, ideally.
MAN: oh. well, i’ll make the most of-
GOD: You’ll be unconscious for 1/3 of the time.
MAN: ..uh
GOD: *leans in* That’ll be your favorite part.— A Ray in a Manger (@SirEviscerate) December 19, 2017
[blind date]
HER: I'm a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
— Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) October 19, 2017
Top night last night, but this has to be the highlight pic.twitter.com/yMqDvOoVML
— James Gower (@__gower) December 21, 2017
