Header Photo: LEON NEAL/AFP (Getty) / @FeelingEuphoric (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @Mandatory on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 2-23-18
I’d say the worst example of a retailer piggybacking on a cool movie’s hype is the new Macy’s campaign: “BLACK PANT(s for) HER”
— Conan O’Brien (@ConanOBrien) February 20, 2018
Average Day In The Life Of A Baby Boomer:
– wake up
– have coffee
– read a print newspaper
– eat an english muffin
– become overwhelmed with an intense desire to write a passionate defense of woody allen
– drive PT Cruiser to work— KT NELSON (@KrangTNelson) February 11, 2018
Turkish cats don’t have time for your bullshit. pic.twitter.com/VNm91g4jL6
— Ali Arikan (@aliarikan) February 15, 2018
Me: I’ll have a veggie burger.
Restaurant: Perfect, that comes with sprouts & none of the good stuff that’s on our regular burger, this is for no reason. Something pickled, not a regular pickle, like maybe a pickled carrot? On a drier, more disgusting bun, just how you like it.
— Cara Weinberger (@caraweinberger) February 21, 2018
when you rt yourself pic.twitter.com/bf4uij3LTn
— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) February 21, 2018
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
— Qwerty Jones (@QwertyJones3) February 21, 2018
How to make new friends:
1. smile more
2. listen to people
3. wear black robe
4. draw pentagram
5. speak dead language
6. ok you summoned a legion of demons but you can be friends with them too— meh (@bonehugsnirony) February 16, 2018
I sent this on February 8th. Still no reply… pic.twitter.com/NdBpoxa3ZQ
— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) February 21, 2018
Last man on earth: Is it just me or?
— Rebranding Under Duress (@crmotwo) February 18, 2018
ME [no longer interested in the menu item but feeling obligated to order it after a lengthy explanation from waitress]: you know what, let’s do it
— your new dad (@drankturpentine) February 18, 2018
— eric turtle (@dubstep4dads) February 21, 2018
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
— Radrosaur (@CopernicusG) February 21, 2018
Me: This wine tastes like I’m about to tell you secrets I shouldn’t *wink*
Date: I think that’s just grape juice
Me: *already sobbing* So my mom’s always been very withholding and
— Not Sara (@smithsara79) February 22, 2018
In case you didn’t know:
1. Canada has a Strategic National Maple Syrup Reserve
2. It was stolen
3. Netflix has a documentary about the theft
4. I’ve discovered what I want to be when I grow up pic.twitter.com/9zfoP87bnY— John Ford (@jhford) February 21, 2018
*first day as a detective*
Me: Chief, it’s an open and shut case
Chief: Great, rookie. I know how a briefcase works
Me: My Mom bought it for me
— Zackadaisical (@Mr_Kapowski) January 30, 2018
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
— Rads (@FeelingEuphoric) February 22, 2018
BOSS: why are you late?
ME: pic.twitter.com/RT4V6zS6MZ
— Ollie (@ojedge) February 22, 2018
[Watching a beautiful sunset with my girl]
Her: tell me what you’re thinking…Me: [turns and stares deeply into her eyes] If Kermit and Miss Piggy ever have a kid they should call it Kermit the Hog
— GoaT FacE (@EndhooS) February 21, 2018
Wow thank you so much for letting me host tonight pic.twitter.com/loJe1mcovS
— hannah (@TribalSpaceCat) February 16, 2018
ME: I’m ready for bed.
BRAIN: Sounds good.
ME: But first I want some ice cream.
BRAIN: Also good.
ME: And to watch some television.
BRAIN: Spectacular.
ME: Let’s just stay up all night and be miserable tomorrow.
BRAIN: Why not?— The Bronte Pale Space Rider (@truegritrumble) February 22, 2018
