So you’re a pacifist. We respect that. But that doesn’t mean you haven’t thought about…you know: What would happen in a fistfight between Kanye West and Pete Davidson?
While it’s childish to imagine what it would be like to pit two vastly different creatures against each other in the arena of battle (think bear v. shark), it’s time to honor our inner child by doing just that.
Using quantum computers equipped with the latest sports science, we’ve conjured a tale of the tape between a rap icon and a funnyman. Find out who will reign victorious below.
In the saga of Kardashian cage fights, these two modern lovers have gone the distance to prove their devotion. And while Davidson scored higher overall, our computer calculations had a surprising result. Printed out on a fortune-cookie sized slip of paper, the computer quantified this outcome: “Unless he gets a good roundhouse kick in with his third leg, Pete is losing this fight by decision.”
And there you have it, folks.
Winner: Kanye
Cover Photo: JOCE/Bauer-Griffin and Mega (Getty Images)
Kanye v Pete
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Perfromance Enhancing Drugs
Both are too high to show up on time. But after Pete snorts a triangle-shaped line of antihistamines, he enters savage mode.
Winner: Pete
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Conditioning
*Actual footage of Kanye's fight training.* If he could bring this up to Earth speed, he'd be unstoppable.
Winner: Kanye
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Combat Style
Is it even possible to strike a master of the Shaolin Turtle Style? The answer is no.
Winner: Pete
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Past Bouts
Yeezus once got his head taken off by the dude from Twilight. Pete once went 12 rounds with a pool floaty shaped like a unicorn.
Winner: Pete
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Talent
Kanye is a prolific rapper and producer who has continuously pushed the cultural needle (and paparazzi). Pete is famous for dating beautiful women.
Winner: Kanye
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Age
Kanye is in great shape for a man in his forties. But everyone knows bones start to disintegrate after 30.
Winner: Pete
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Height
Standing at 6'3" Pete Davidson has all the height and reach advantages over his much shorter counterpart. But hey, we once saw a kitten destroy a full-grown houseplant.
Winner: Unknown
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Corner Man
The man in your corner can make all the difference when the fight goes the distance. (And now all we can think about is Machine Gun Kelly wrestling Marilyn Manson in a greased-up ball pit. Weird.)
Winner: Tie
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Crowd Advantage
According to a recent poll of a random lady inside a New Jersey movie theater, Kanye is the crowd favorite by a landslide.
Winner: Kanye
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Softened By Celebrity
Let's never forget the time Kanye lost a fight to a telephone pole in the first round.
Winner: Pete
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Head Game
Often, you can defeat your opponent before you even enter the ring by getting inside their head. And typically, vacationing in the Bahamas with their ex-wife will do the trick nicely.
Winner: Pete
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BDE
A wise man once said, "I see your Schwartz is as big as mine."
Winner: Tie
