Photo: Getty.
A good Super Bowl party beats watching the game by yourself any day. But, how many times do we find ourselves going to a party and being surrounded by a bunch of friends of friends … or worse, neighbors and co-workers who can’t just be quiet and enjoy the game like you want.
Instead of your tight loyal group of friends, you are going to find people you only see once a year.
They each come with their own annoyances and quirks. Prepare yourself … because there is no avoiding any of them.
The Know-It All
This is the brainiac who knows every fact and stat that you’ll never want to know.
Did you know Russell Wilson, despite having a 0 QBR in the first half of the Packers game, has the fifth all-time highest playoff QBR? Well you will know soon enough.
Brady’s passing percentage in southern cities during day games? Yeah … he’ll tell you that too. He will also be correcting Chris Collinsworth, so there’s that bonus.
The Wannabe Know-It All
“Bro, I was a huge fan of Kearse back when he went to UCLA.”…
“Dude, he went to U-Dub.”
The only thing worse than a know-it-all is the moron who doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Combine him with the next a-hole and it gets worse.
The Super Fan
This guy has to be a neighbor of the host or some co-worker who couldn’t find another party to go to because he is too obnoxious to have friends who would want him around. He, or she, has the jersey. They have the hat … or beanie … or wig. Throwback Pats gear or 12th Man Flag will be seen. Skittles or Sam Adams beer. Face paint and sweat pants. And, a loud ear-splitting yell for every completion no matter how small.
All teams suck. His team is awesome no matter what, and the referees are without a doubt against their team. You’re an idiot if you don’t see it.
The Fair Weather Fan
“Well, I haven’t seen any games this year but, like, I’m totally a fan. I love Tom and… ummm…. the cute guy whatshisname … What? Of course, I’m huge fan, silly. My dad’s a fan so I grew up watching them … No, I didn’t know Carroll was once our coach.”
Like Han Solo, this type of fan unfreezes and joins the party in the final act. If you want to have some real fun, point the know-it-all towards the fair weather fan.
Disloyal Shit Talker
I have a friend — a Falcons fan — who jumped the Jets to the Manziel Browns to the 1st Place Cardinals to the Cowboys to “whomever is not Seattle” just to be more of a tool.
Knowing I’m a Seattle fan, he has been non-stop trash talking. Every party has this generic unoriginal bore. He makes the game a lose-lose situation. If your team loses, he’ll lay on the comments. If your team wins, he’ll quickly say, “I have no dog in this fight, bro” which sucks the joy out of the room. No matter what you say, he will play the ignorant card because it is the only card he has.
Provoker
Almost as big a dick as the disloyal shit talker, the provoker should be avoided early and often. The difference is the provoker sneaks up on you. Small talk of your hometown in Illinois will result in how much the Bears suck and you should be ashamed no matter how much you hate Jay Cutler.
Disinterested Tag-Along
They care about the Katy Perry and the snacks and that is about it. They will be on their phone the whole time and somehow be in a primo seat. Try to steal their seat the second they walk away to call someone about Idina Menzel’s performance.
Hostess with Mostess
This divine person will make sure there are five different things to dip your chips in. They will ask who wants a drink during the lull in play. They will say nice things no matter which side your team is on.
Count your blessings if you do find this person at a party. Send a thank you note.
Judgmental Commercials Guy
He is probably a hipster. He probably will say he is only there to watch the commercial. He probably will judge each one as if he were judging cinema. He most definitely says in a snobby cheese-filled tone that he doesn’t watch football … repeatedly.
Feel free to punch him.
The Sports Gal Pal or Nerd Guy
She looks like she eats salads but she really loves wings and pizza. She owns a jersey and wears it both in bed and at a stadium. She wears a ponytail but will sex it up when your cute friend is alone with her. She talks more about what a great guy Russell Wilson is, rather than actual facts and stats.
Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with female friend. Nothing at all. The trouble is it usually comes with a bazillion questions about the minutia of the game.
The male equivalent is the nerd guy who doesn’t watch sports but really wants to learn … during the biggest game of the year.
Superstitious Weirdo
The Seahawks have outscored their opponents 58-12 in the past four playoff games going back to halftime of last year’s NFC Championship game … when I wear my lucky hat… in my right hand… while it rests on my knee. It’s a very specific position.
Me and my kind will be at your party. We will find our lucky spot. We will have our rituals. We will be displeased if others are not ready. You will eat our Skittles or Gronk cookies or whatever and you will shut your mouth. The Super Bowl is on the line and we all have to do our parts to win.
Brian Reddoch is a CraveOnline reporter and rabid fan of all teams Seattle. You can follow him on Twitter @ReddReddoch or “like” CraveOnline Sports on Facebook.
