Let’s be honest, we’ve all at least attempted to do a little sexting. Phone sex the modern way. No matter if you were trying to spice up an existing relationship, starting a new one, or just being a creepy dude who tries to get pictures of girls for his own private collection, you’ve done it. A side note to the creepy dudes, you know if you just want pictures of girl’s boobs you can turn off Google safe search and literally anything you type in will bring up boobs. Try that.
Here are some steps to guide you through your sexting experience. Now I know you’re excited and can’t wait to dive into your new world of textual exploration but slow down. Here’s your first rule:
1. DO have a conversation.
Here’s an actual text a female friend of mine received from a guy WHO GOT HER NUMBER FROM FACEBOOK:
There are obviously so many things wrong with this.
The first mistake was hunting down a phone number on Facebook like Joey Greco from Cheaters but that’s a whole other set of issues. Her text was “UGH” and he responded with the word “Pic.” Was she really going to say “Wow, this stalker found my number, revealed who he was to my dismay, and now he wants a provocative picture of me? OF COURSE!” To make matters even worse, he waits ten hours or so and this time puts PIC in all caps like maybe yelling it in her face will change her mind.
If you’re thinking about this approach save yourself some time and toss your phone into the nearest natural body of water because you are insane. If you’re going to sext with someone at least have some sort of conversation first.
If not then you might as well just text random numbers and hope someone is impressed:
2. DON’T send a picture of your penis.
According to the dozens of girls I’ve spoken to about this, it’s crazy how eager guys are to send a picture of their penis to just about anyone who will look. It’s not even in the heat of sexting, it’s almost a conversation starter for some guys, like a coffee table book; a horrible, flaccid coffee table book. You wouldn’t jump through foreplay during phone sex. Here’s what NOT to do:
If you must send a picture, keep it from the waist up unless specifically asked. Also, if you send a picture of your penis know that she’s sent it to her friends as a joke. Trust me on this, I wish it wasn’t true because I’ve jokingly been sent more awkward penis pics from my female friends than I’d care to mention. Just stop sending them so they’ll stop sending them to me, OK? Good thing about phone sex is that you couldn’t record it (that easily)
3. DO learn how to spell.
Look, I know you’re in the moment and probably typing with one hand but seriously, make sure you don’t have a typo. Another reason why phone sex was easier. Unless you had a stutter. Is there anything that would kill the mood faster than this:
It doesn’t matter how sweet you are or how sexy you are trying to be, terrible spelling and grammar is a deal breaker. Also, for the love of god, don’t misspell her name:
4. DO use multiple adjectives (or get a thesaurus)
If you’re going to be sexting, you’re going to need a deep bench of complimentary adjectives. You don’t want to type something like this:
Don’t be too proud to pull up a thesaurus and look up some other words for “awesome” instead of sounding like a pre-teen describing Taco Bell.
5. DO take your time.
While sex with you may only last for 2 minutes, your sexting should not. Taking your time is a must. If you go straight to the sex there’s not much left to text about.
If you don’t have time to get detailed then you don’t have time to do it at all. This is just going to make you look stupid and we both know you’re better than that. Go slow and pay attention to details. You’re describing an intimate sexual encounter, not a random, drunken hook-up in an Arby’s parking lot.
6. DON’T try to sext multiple girls at once.
This should go without saying but don’t try to pull a double header and sext multiple girls at once. Even if you aren’t dating any of them and you’re just casually trying to hook up, this could result in a nightmare:
Needless to say you aren’t going to be doing any more sexting with Shannon and if there’s any pattern in the universe at all, she probably knows who Stacy is and will be talking about what a jerk you are with her by the end of the night.
7. DON’T type out your orgasm.
I did not believe this was an actual thing. I didn’t know there were guys out there who did this, but apparently I was very wrong:
Seriously fellas, if you get to that point maybe just let them know with your words and not the sound. Also, how did you type that while having an orgasmjQuery1910014093228615820408_1368119094934?
8. DON’T exaggerate too much.
You want this girl to think you’re sexy but try to keep your physical descriptions realistic. While this may be how you see yourself, it’s probably not that accurate at all:
Maybe you’re being a little too kind to yourself? You could add a little bit onto your, uh, length, but don’t describe yourself as the horcrux snake that accompanied Voldemort in Harry Potter.
This doesn’t just apply to you, don’t exaggerate what you’re going to do to her too much either:
You want her to know that you’re a strong, passionate lover, but settle down a little pal. If this surfaced in a court of law you would instantly be found guilty.
9. DO sext with iPhone users.
This may sound silly and pretentious but let me explain: when someone is texting you and you each have an iPhone you’ll get this in your chat window:
That way you know they’ve seen what you’ve written and they’re responding to your text. It’s wonderful.
On the other hand, if you have an iPhone and they don’t, you get this:
Is she typing? Is she no longer interested? Did her battery die? Did she die? Who knows because all the texts are green and I can’t see when anyone is responding. It sounds petty but these questions will eat you alive if she hesitates at all in responding. Nothing of this happned when phone sex was still alive.
10. DO realize she’s probably not doing all those sexy things she’s typing.
I asked my female friends what they’re actually doing while sexting and, unfortunately, some of the results might make you sad:
It isn’t much better on the picture end either fellas:
But don’t look at that as a bad thing. Consider this, a girl is attracted to you enough to pretend to be having sex with you! She even sent you a picture of her cleavage! So dust off that phone, turn on some Barry White, and get your sexting muscle in shape! Uh, your fingers, not your penis.
