A few weeks ago an article titled “8 Beers You Should Stop Drinking Right Now” got passed around a lot. And it was annoying because the reasons you weren’t supposed to drink these beers is because they had GMOs and fish bladders in them. Well, here at Mandatory, we want to give you real beer-related information you can use, so here are 8 beers you should START drinking right now. And why.
1. Natty Ice
Reason: You’re Not Loud Enough
Are you too quiet? Are you not yelling everything you say all the time in everyone’s face? Are you not the worst person everywhere you go? Fire back a few Natty Ices and that problem will get rectified immediately.
2. Rolling Rock
Reason: Your Bowel Movements Are Still Somewhat Solid
Do your bowel movements still have some sort of visible form or shape to them? Do you only have to wipe 3-4 times? Change all that with a few Rocks and you will be taking horrific, sweaty monster shits in no time.
3. Schlitz
Reason: Someone Isn’t Punching Your Stupid Face
What are you doing? Just sitting there minding your business like a normal person and not getting punched for mouthing off like a total dickhead? Order as many Schlitz as you can afford, drink them and then walk up to the bouncer and ask him, “What did the five fingers say to the face?”
4. Keystone Light
Reason: You’re Not Vandalizing Something Like a 12-Year-Old
Wait, what? You’re not smashing some public property right now? Why not? I’m sure there’s some perfectly good street signs around here somewhere. Or maybe someone put some fluorescent lights in a dumpster nearby that you could totally smash while pretending they’re lightsabers. Finish that Keystone Light and get out there, champ.
5. Lone Star
Reason: You’re Not Brimming With Regret
What’s this?!? You feel OK with the recent decisions you’ve made? Wait just a minute. That can’t be right. Shotgun a sixer of Lone Stars and let them help you undo all the good you’ve done in your life in a matter of blacked out minutes.
6. Stroh’s
Reason: You Don’t Have a Blinding Headache
Can you see? With your eyes? Fix that with a big pile of Stroh’s.
7. Genesee Cream Ale
Reason: Your Stool Is Missing Terrifyingly Large Amounts of Blood
When you look down into the toilet after taking a dump, are you not freaked out because there’s a ton of terrifying blood in your stool? Are you not on WebMD right now looking up “blood in my toilet,” “blood ass” and “shitted blood” while asking God to fix your melting kidneys? Well, you can change all that with a startlingly small number of Gennys.
8. Busch
Reason: You Like Yourself
Do you have self-esteem and integrity? Are you considered a “good” person amongst your friends and family? Do you want that to stop? Then we have a super easy plan for you: Chug all the Busch and watch your standing in society slowly (and then quickly) go from “respectable” to “you’re under arrest.”
