Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
You ever had sex while listening to Drake? I ended up putting on her clothes and helped her get back with her ex
– yung simba (@ThotsOfAWiseMan) November 10, 2014
You’ve dropped the last 3 iPhones you owned in the toilet while you were drunk but yeah, congrats on the pregnancy.
– Bill Dixon (@BillDixonish) January 9, 2015
Maybe Liam Neeson’s special set of skills is losing his family.
– Stacey Lynne (@NervousJr) January 9, 2015
Remake Back To The Future 2 where there are no flying cars but people stare at their phones all the time + get offended at everything. #2015
– Trevor Moore (@itrevormoore) January 1, 2015
Everyone is eating once i clock the digits fam pic.twitter.com/zc0mCaAkuE
– FunnyPicsDepot (@FunnyPicsDepot) December 27, 2014
I’m not sure Disney fully understands what a pirate is pic.twitter.com/u8UayKuT63
– bella (@slytherinbella) September 6, 2014
“What’s your greatest strength?” Definitely magic. “Sir, this is a law firm…” IS THIS YOUR CARD? [holds up 4 of Clubs] “Actually yes.”
– Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) January 8, 2015
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
– Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) January 6, 2015
I rarely get nostalgic about my ex, but we just exchanged threats of legal action against each other, and that is so us!
– eve (@hello_saylor) December 31, 2014
Folks are worried about global warming and social security, when the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.
– Kali (@AdderallMomma) September 10, 2014
If you were stranded on a deserted island and could only have one book, how many times would you try to fuck it before you killed yourself?
– Paige (@PeachCoffin) January 5, 2015
My current hunger level is “sexually attracted to spaghetti”
– Krista Doyle (@Krista_Doyle) January 8, 2015
Beyoncé fans support anything she do. She could throw Blue Ivy in the ocean & kill her & they be “YASSSS, B* Throw that lil bitch*
– HollyWoodKurt (@Mypasonna) August 8, 2013
Have a crush on somebody? Play hard to get. Marry someone else. Grow old with someone else. Then when you’re 90, text your crush “heyyyy ;)”
– Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) December 22, 2014
Hearing a coyote pack shrieking at 1:37 AM is less unsettling if you imagine they’re all tossing graduation caps in the air.
– Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) January 6, 2015
You’re making a powerful enemy, people who offer me celery as a snack.
– Jason Miller (@longwall26) January 9, 2015
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups. And not ONE ab to show for it.
– Corey Paterson (@Midgetspar) January 1, 2015
*a teeny tiny tumbleweed rolls across my ring finger*
– Jackie Carbajal (@jackiecarbajal) January 6, 2015
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
– Terry F (@daemonic3) January 9, 2015
[knocking at the door] VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police! ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
– Joe West (@joejwest) January 7, 2015
