Chances are at some point in your life you’ve gone out for lunch at Subway. The chain restaurant is inescapable, not just in the U.S., but just about everywhere in the world. And yet, the experience always leaves something to be desired. Let’s break down all of the horrible things that happen every time you decide to give up on life and order a foot long for lunch.
15. That unavoidable bread smell
Let’s just get this out of the way since it’s the first thing we all associate with Subway. That smell. Dear Lord that smell. It sucks you in like a cartoon animal floating towards the smell lines of nearby pie in the window sill. And yet after only a few minutes, it instantly turns into the driving force behind why you want to sprint out of there as fast as you can.
14. The cookies
OK, these are actually good. As long as you get a fresh one. If not, you’d be better off chewing on the cookies pictured on the cardboard display in the corner.
13. They lied to us about how long their foot longs were all this time
Sure, they’re finally changing it, but for the first 50 years of the franchise’s existence they called their full-sized sandwiches a foot long even though they were only 11 inches. Not cool, guys.
12 . It’s not healthy at all but it pretends to be healthy and that’s annoying
It’s cold cuts. On giant, puffy heroes. It’s not good for you. All of the calorie counts on the menu are based on getting a 6″ sub with no toppings or dressings or chips or cookies or soda. Sure, Jared lost a bunch of weight, but do you really want to make life decisions based on Jared? (More on that later.)
11. The insanely small amount of meat you actually get on your sandwich
The only thing worse than making a tiny cold cut sandwich at home is going out and paying for one. Especially when you have to take three bites of only bread just to get to your first thinly sliced piece of folded turkey.
10. You can’t taste the cheese (and I think there’s only one type available)
The Swiss cheese at Subway looks the same as the American cheese. And the provolone. And the cheddar. Just because it’s cut into different shaped slices, doesn’t mean it’s a different type of cheese. I’m onto you, Subway sandwich artists.
9. Those puffy bags of chips with, like, six chips in them
There is no bigger ripoff in the food industry than the inflated bag of Fritos that winds up providing one small handful of chips total. Of course a place like Subway sells these bags. What’s worse, most of the options are baked chips, which have all the flavor of a stale rice cake.
8. The diarrhea
You don’t always know when it’s coming, but it is. And when it does, visions of that sandwich artist’s gloved hands caressing dark green pickles will be running through your mind (and possibly bowels.)
7. The bread cut
They even changed the franchise sandwich slicing method (shout-out to all my homies who have been eating at Subway since they used to slice a triangle into the top of each hero) and it still sucks. The cut is always uneven, leaving way too much bread on the bottom of the sandwich and hardly any on top so that more and more of the sandwich comes spilling out onto your lap with each bite.
6. The tuna salad
Look, I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve had this sandwich. Multiple times. And every time I do it, I want to kill myself before I’ve even gotten to the second half of the foot long. It’s really just a mayonnaise sandwich with some flakes of tuna sprinkled in. Also, they serve it with an ice cream scooper. I don’t think I need to tell you that seafood was not meant to be served with an ice cream scooper.
5. That shitty jingle
I don’t think this has been in any of their commercials for a while, but that “Five dollar foot looooooong…” song still gets stuck in my head at least once a week.
4. The insanely large piece of paper they wrap around the sandwich
I’ve seen unspooled Christmas wrapping paper rolls that don’t take up as much space. This is the first of two horribly designed packaging concepts. The next one is…
3. Those horrible narrow ass plastic bags
The sandwich fits in there like a dick in a condom, leaving absolutely no room for anything else, which leaves YOU to stumble home hoping you don’t lose your grip on your loose soda cup and bag of chips.
2. You’re supporting a child molester (or at least, you were)
Not really your fault, and no one else really knew about it either, but still. Not cool.
1. I will keep going back
Yup. I don’t know why, but I will. Might even go there today.
