Nothing is more ironic than naming your potentially pardoned turkeys Bread and Butter, the two things that are never spared on Thanksgiving. The White House turkeys were put up in the luxurious Willard Hotel because “them’s a fancy bird,” plus they refused to stay at Trump Hotel unless they could shit all over the walls. Meanwhile, gluten and dairy were not spared (not in the least) and will likely be consumed at incredible rates by our fearful leader (and his incredibly fast heart rate). President Trump wished the pardon turkey “a lot of luck,” but made it clear he didn’t have much to give, then muttered something that sounded like “we’re all screwed anyway” as he pardoned the wrong turkey because apparently the popular vote doesn’t count on Twitter either. Perhaps, if all goes well, they will be serving impeachment pies for dessert.
Photo: ANDREW CABALLERO-REYNOLDS / / Staff (Getty)
RANKED! The Worst Thanksgiving Foods You Could Possibly Bring to the Party
12 Things Guaranteed to Go Wrong at Your First Grown-Up Thanksgiving
Follow Mandatory on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
Weird News 11-11-19
-
Meanwhile in Florida: Man Arrested After Having Sex With Stuffed Animals In Target; Expected More, Paid Less
-
Elon Musk to Replace Tesla Horns With Farts and Goat Noises (And Our Job Making Jokes Has Been Done For Us)
-
Mind-Reading Device Calms You Down For Only $150, Says Guy Who Never Smoked Weed
-
Weird News: TSA Finds ‘Like 20 Bags’ of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos in Woman’s Luggage, Claims It’s Not Easy Being Cheesy
-
Woman Lives to 108 Because She Drinks Champagne, She Thinks (But Can’t Remember)
-
Justin Bieber Removes Wife’s Wedding Garter With Sexy Beaver Teeth Move, Hundreds of Young Beliebers Expected to Be Hospitalized for Terminal FOMO
-
Bold Apple Strategy Threatens to Take Away Your Internet If You Don’t Upgrade
-
Iowa Man Scores $3 Million In Beer Money, Still Too Cheap to Buy Everyone a Round
-
Iowa Woman Killed by Explosion at Gender Reveal Party, Still Unlikely the End of These Terrible Parties
-
Weird News of the Day: Bill Murray Applied for a Job at P.F. Chang’s
-
With Pay Phone Booths Gone, Superman Struggles to Find a Place to Change
-
Meanwhile in Florida: Teen Attacks Family With Knife After Getting ‘Cut Off’ From Eating Tomatoes (God Knows How She’ll React Over Chocolate)