By Jeremy Azevedo
Like the dinosaurs from which they barely evolved, these massive creatures with their tiny reptile brains are concerned with nothing more than feeding, and anything or anyone is fair game. But what is the driving force behind this deep-seated fear that so many people harbor of crocodiles, which are kind of like sharks, only they can bite you in half on land as well as in the water? We look back into the deep, rich history of crocodile culture for some answers…
Lake Placid is a place that breeds horror, this time not just two but four giant, 30 foot, bloodthirsty crocodiles that are living embodiments of all that mankind fears about this ancient creature.
A monstrous crocodile chows down on some tasty people meat.
After two 30 foot prehistoric crocodiles are killed, a new group gathers to kill the four carnivorous offspring of the original crocodiles. Instead of the investigative team from the first Lake Placid film, the gigantic Crocs now have to contend with the local sheriff, an EPA agent, a Fish and Wildlife agent and a big game hunter. Croc-Tastic!
Gustave the Grinder
Holy crap!
Native to Burundi, along the coast of the Rusizi River, Gustave is believed to be the largest crocodile in Africa. Known to be a man-eater, Gustave is rumored to have devoured more than 300 local villagers. Covered in scars caused by bullets, spears and god knows what else, Gustave has evaded capture for at least sixty-five years. Too large (allegedly 20 feet in length, weighing 1 ton) to even bother with fish and other such puny animals, Gustave’s diet consists of wildebeest, zebras and people.
Wally Gator
I’d venture to guess that there’s some improper workplace interaction going on here.
Wally Gator was essentially an alligator version of Yogi Bear only instead of living in a wildlife preserve he lived in a zoo. And instead of a park ranger, he terrorized a zookeeper. He enjoyed waterskiing and getting blotto on fancy Caribbean cocktails, and he wore a sweet hat. Wally Gator was also a pioneer of inappropriate cartoon attire, often seen wearing nothing more than the aforementioned hat, a starchy white collar, and shirt cuffs. Like a reptilian Chip n’ Dale dancer.
The Sewer Gator
Grandpa Simpson vs. the legendary Sewer Gator.
Remember those urban legends you used to hear as a kid about families getting an alligator as a pet, and then, when it gets too big to take care of or bites their goddamn finger off or something, they flush it down the toilet? And then they grow up in the sewers, eating rats and turning albino in the dark depths of human filth, before rising up and attacking the streets like scaly, 10 ft. long Jack the Rippers? Remember when Ben Seaver made a sweet stop-motion animation movie about it for class on Growing Pains? That was awesome. And his best friend’s name was “Boner”? Ha ha, that was funny. Boner. Heh. What were we talking about again?
Reggie the Alligator
From his reality show: “Reggie and the Rock of American Rehab Love”.
Reggie is like the Houdini of alligators. Raised in captivity, Reggie escaped and turned up in 2005 at Machado Lake in Harbor City California. Reggie somehow managed to elude capture for TWO YEARS before taking his act on the road and posting up at the public park in South Bay, Los Angeles. Reggie was eventually apprehended and brought to the Los Angeles Zoo, from which he disappeared from yet AGAIN a few months later. Thankfully, the little rapscallion was re-captured and has since been happily residing there, plotting his next great escape.
Tick Tock (Peter Pan)
Tick-Tock, gleefully frightening children at Disneyland because they’re annoying and never shut the hell up at movies.
Captain Hook is one of the greatest villains ever created. He’s a child killing, alcoholic, suicidal, hook handed, homicidal maniac pirate. But there is one creature that even Captain Hook fears like a boy band member fears Lou Pearlman. The crocodile that took Hook’s hand took with it a watch that gives off a distinctive tone, one that stops even the king of the pirates in his tracks. It’s rumored that the very same alligator was the inspiration for the one that took golf pro Chubbs Peterson’s hand in “Happy Gilmore”. Was it simply a coincidence or something far more sinister? Was it the first in a string of many copycat behandings to come, perhaps? Probably not, both of those movies are fictional, dumbass.
Elvis (Miami Vice)
Crocket and Tubbs action figures with action gator, guns, and… George Foreman Grill?
Elvis was the pet of Detective James “Sonny” Crockett on Miami Vice. Elvis lived on Crockett’s sailboat, and nearly bit Crockett’s partner Tubbs’ ass off at the end of virtually every episode. After the show ended, Elvis went into a downward spiral of drugs and prostitution, eventually seeking to the all-time low of performing hand-jobs for Crack rocks in the seedy waterways of Dade County, Florida. Elvis has since cleaned up his act, started a lucrative real estate business, found God or Xenu or whatever and will be appearing on the next season of “The Surreal Life” with John Oates, Ralph Macchio, Daisy Fuentes and Magilla Gorilla.
Chauncey Chocodile
The last remaining photograph of Chauncey Chocodile known to man.
Chauncey was once the mascot for the delicious Hostess snack cake known as the “Chocodile”. Sadly, the popularity of the Chocodile has waned in recent years, as has the popularity of cartoon mascots. As a result, Chauncey Chocodile will have been retired to the vault of advertising obscurity along with the likes of the Frito Bandito, Count Chocula and Chief Knockahoma. And good luck finding a Chocodile these days!
Killer Croc
Batman and Killer Croc enjoying that awkward first date kiss.
Killer Croc is probably the only Batman villain not to appear in any movie. Infected with some kinda crazy disease that makes him grow progressively more croc-like, he does what anyone in a similar position would do: Go on a crime spree. Thankfully, there will always be men that pretend to be bats around to put a stop to men that are half alligator when the chips are down. And when a batman really loves an alligator man, they get married and do a special kind of hug. Nine months later, a man pretending to be a stork or maybe crossed with a stork’s DNA brings a miracle in through the window! This is how babies that grow up to be furries are made.
Superman
This is why Florida is awesome, in case you were wondering.
Now that Gomek (the previous record holder) has recently kicked the bucket, the title of “largest alligator in captivity” has been passed on to Superman, star attraction at the St. Augustine Alligator Farm in Florida. I have had the honor of being personally acquainted with Superman, and I can tell you that this is no joke. The thing is like the size of a car, and can probably eat a water buffalo in one bite. That an overweight, shirtless man would ever conceive of wrestling such a creature defies belief, and yet, this continues to go on in places where stupid people procreate all across the world. Maybe alligators aren’t as tough as they look, or maybe it’s a higher being’s way of thinning out the herd, but I have a hard time believing that the second explanation doesn’t hold true.
This Guy…
I really hope that this is for some kind of school play or something. Seriously.
Just look at him! Fierce.
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January 29 for more scary crocodile goodness!
