PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA - FEBRUARY 01: Punxsutawney Phil, the weather-predicting groundhog, enjoys a sprig of Kale in his holding pen before a Zoom call with schoolchildren in hundreds of schools throughout the United States on Gobblers Knob on February 1, 2021 in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. While last year's tradition of using the groundhog to determine whether there will be six more weeks of winter brought 44,000 people to the small town of 22,000 in central Pennsylvania, tomorrow's event will be held virtually, with no visitors permitted. (Photo by Jeff Swensen/Getty Images)

Groundhog Troubleshooting Zoom Call Ahead of First Virtual Appearance (Yeah, You Try Unmuting With Stubs For Thumbs)

By Ken Franklin

Jimmy the groundhog had a terrible first day at the office. Every Feb. 2, just as the sun rises over the hills, America waits with bated breath to catch sight of Jimmy emerging from his hole. Groundhog Day, probably the best holiday movie ever made, is also the fateful day when Jimmy must predict the coming of spring.

But this year, something went horribly wrong. After popping his head above ground for the first time in months, Jimmy discovered a world gone mad. His team quickly informed him of the global pandemic, and Jimmy was advised against performing. Jimmy weighed the risks. He listened with open ears. And after much consideration, our beloved marmot made the call to carry on with his famous forecast, albeit virtually for the first time since the festival began in 1887.

“It has come to my attention that public gatherings of this size have the potential to lead to a super-spreading event,” Jimmy said in a prepared statement. “And because no masks have been designed for groundhog’s unique snout, we’ve decided that the best course of action, in light of this unprecedented year, will be to move forward via a virtual broadcast.”

Enter Zoom.

Americans were relieved that the festivities would still continue on from the safety of their homes. However, as dawn approached, there was a problem. Following an issue with the audio that persisted for over 10 minutes, the Governor of Wisconsin declared a state of emergency and was forced to call in tech support from the cashier at Best Buy. Thankfully, the issue was resolved in the nick of time, and as grey light spilled across the horizon, Jimmy stood proudly for all to see.

Today, in his historic Zoom debut, Jimmy did not see his shadow, sending cheers across the internet as millions of Americans celebrated the end of winter despite being blanketed by freshly fallen snow. Well done, Jimmy.

Well done.

Photo: Jeff Swensen (Getty Images)

The cat’s pajamas: Smart Collars Tell You What Your Pet Is Thinking

The daily tweet: Jon Stewart Debuts On Twitter

Visit the Mandatory Shop for great deals on your very own Mandatory merch.

Follow Mandatory on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

Weird News 1-11-21

  • Facebook Creating Tool to Summarize Articles Because People Aren’t Lazy Enough Already, Thanks Zuckerberg For Making Us Dumber

    Facebook Creating Tool to Summarize Articles Because People Aren’t Lazy Enough Already, Thanks Zuckerberg For Making Us Dumber

    For more weird news, click here.

    Photo Credit: urbazon (Getty Images)

  • People With Depression Get Pills For Erectile Dysfunction in Prescription Mix-Up, Adding Endless Boners to Injury

    People With Depression Get Pills For Erectile Dysfunction in Prescription Mix-Up, Adding Endless Boners to Injury

    For more weird news, click here.

    Photo Credit: rclassenlayouts (Getty Images)

  • Trump Employees ‘Depressed’ That They Can’t Find Jobs After Capitol Riots, Twitter Claps Back

    Trump Employees ‘Depressed’ That They Can’t Find Jobs After Capitol Riots, Twitter Claps Back

    For more weird news, click here.

    Photo Credit: Facebook

  • Betsy DeVos Resigns After Finally Spelling Her Name Correctly

    Betsy DeVos Resigns After Finally Spelling Her Name Correctly

    For more weird news, click here.

    Photo Credit: Alex Wong / Staff (Getty Images)

  • Honest Timeline: Every Dumb Thing Trump Probably Did While Banned From Twitter

    Honest Timeline: Every Dumb Thing Trump Probably Did While Banned From Twitter

    For more weird news, click here. 

    Photo Credit: The Washington Post / Contributor

  • Covidiot Kirk Cameron Hosts Super-Spreader Christmas Carol Protests in California, Twitter Sounds Off

    Covidiot Kirk Cameron Hosts Super-Spreader Christmas Carol Protests in California, Twitter Sounds Off

    For more weird news, click here. 

    Photo Credit: fupp/Bauer-Griffin / Contributor (Getty Images)

  • Members of Congress at Capitol Hill Just Told to Get Under Their Desks, This Is a Racist Coup Drill

    Members of Congress at Capitol Hill Just Told to Get Under Their Desks, This Is a Racist Coup Drill

    For more weird news, click here. 

    Photo Credit: Anadolu Agency / Contributor (Getty Images)

  • Naughty Nurse Has Sex With COVID-19 Positive Patient in Dirtiest Place Imaginable

    Naughty Nurse Has Sex With COVID-19 Positive Patient in Dirtiest Place Imaginable

    For more weird news, click here. 

    Photo Credit: EMPPhotography (Getty Images)

  • Flight Attendant Union Working to Ban Capitol Rioters From Their Flights Home, Surely Buddy Don Can Pick Them Up on His Way Out of Town

    Flight Attendant Union Working to Ban Capitol Rioters From Their Flights Home, Surely Buddy Don Can Pick Them Up on His Way Out of Town

    For more weird news, click here.

    Photo Credit: marcogarrincha (Getty Images)

  • Meanwhile in Texas: It’s Illegal to Own More Than 6 Dildos

    Meanwhile in Texas: It’s Illegal to Own More Than 6 Dildos

    For more weird news, click here.

    Photo Credit: Claudia Nass (Getty Images)

  • Capitol Prostester Rubbing Eyes With Onion Is Either a Crybaby or a Resourceful Rioter (You Be the Judge)

    Capitol Prostester Rubbing Eyes With Onion Is Either a Crybaby or a Resourceful Rioter (You Be the Judge)

    For more weird news, click here.

    Photo Credit: TMZ

  • New ‘Pajama Suit’ Is Here to Solve Your Zoom Dressing Dilemmas, Time to Donate Everything Else You Own

    New ‘Pajama Suit’ Is Here to Solve Your Zoom Dressing Dilemmas, Time to Donate Everything Else You Own

    For more weird news, click here.

    Photo Credit: Aoki Holdings
Ken Franklin
Ken Franklin

Share article

TRENDING
No content yet. Check back later!
Related
Load more...
X
Exit mobile version