Despite looking like a groundhog whose face has been hit by a tornado, Matt Gaetz has quickly ascended to the height of GOP celebrity. But as great as all that sounds, it’s not necessarily a good thing (for him).
The Florida congressman is currently embroiled in a sex trafficking scandal that’s come to light thanks to an FBI investigation involving a weasely ex-tax collector and a questionable “dating” app. But as the walls close in around him, Gaetz is holding his ground. Chalk it up to the groundhog in him.
A few months ago, Gaetz famously asked then-President Trump for a “blanket pardon” he could use for any future hiccups. It may sound like nothing more than due diligence for a man rising through the ranks of the Florida political swamp, but as the federal investigation ramps up, Gaetz’s request for pardon begins to make perfect sense.
Not surprisingly, the plot has thickened considerably since then in the form of Joel Greenberg, Gaetz’s former good time cohort (and aforementioned tax collector) who is currently negotiating a plea deal for related charges. If he confirms the allegations of sex trafficking with a minor, Gaetz may need to head underground fast. Luckily for him, we hear underground homes are lovely this time of year.
Meantime, spectators are watching the GOP’s response – because how your colleagues react to an impending scandal says a lot about your political clout (and the merits of the allegations). In the case of Gaetz, whose flamboyant tongue wagging has made him a Republican star, it’s interesting to note his peers are nowhere to be found.
But even with a face as handsome as his, how does a GOP lawmaker score high marks in the competitive field of political sexual misconduct? If you haven’t heard the sordid details yet, allow us to illuminate them for you with the Matt Gaetz Guide to Acing Your Sexual Misconduct Quiz. (Warning: May induce nausea.)
Cover Photo: Pool (Getty Images)
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Matt Gaetz Groundhog Guide
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Find a Florida-Based Sugar Daddy Hookup
AKA a man like Joel Greenberg: Well-versed in wire fraud, sex trafficking with a minor, and defrauding the public. AKA the perfect wingman for making good life decisions.
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Pay Cash For Sexual Favors
Better yet, use the CashApp or Venmo so there's a nice, clean record of your transactions.
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Save Your Receipts
When the underage woman you find on Seeking Arrangement asks for a receipt, provide one. After all, a gentleman of the state has the utmost respect for filing taxes.
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Share Your Exploits
Corner people at the office and force them to look at photos of your sexual conquests. Guilt them into high-fiving you behind the filing cabinet.
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Start an Office Pool
Recruit other up-and-coming Republicans to join you in a sex competition where you each get one point for scoring with an aide or lobbyist. Add a bonus point if they're married.
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Don't Backtrack
When the FBI announce they're investigating you, don't even look up from what you're doing. Carry on inviting Holocaust deniers to the State of the Union and riding your dad's coattails to entertainment news stardom.
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Seriously, Pretend Nothing Is Happening
There is no shitstorm swirling just outside your window. No career-ending media circus ready to break the door down.
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He Said, She Said
Place a blockade of staffers around you as you sniff the wind. Let the eyewitnesses make statements as they lay out a paper trail of your involvement. Call it hearsay.
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Get Ratted Out in the Final Minutes
To ensure a passing grade, have your ex-sugar daddy friend rat you out in a widely publicized plea deal. If this doesn't help you ace the quiz, the test is rigged. Good luck!
