Let’s cut the bullshit. We all want to be rich. But we also want to belong to something. A family. A team. A tribe. And what better way to kickstart the ménage à trois of your dreams than by joining Crypto Club today? Right now, 27 million of your fellow Americans are already enjoying an array of club member benefits ranging from smug buttholes to McMansions in gated communities. What are you waiting for?
Who cares that 0.01 percent of bitcoin holders control the majority of the 19 million bitcoins in circulation. It’s never too late to get your share and make a fortune with money that only exists on the internet. How else are you going to purchase NFT IKEA furniture in the year 2032 when you’re forced to live in an underground isolation pod with your only sensory experiences happening digitally via a neural link?
Don’t get left behind in the digital poverty zone by missing out on important investments in your future today. If you like the idea of playing The Sims with your actual life but don’t have a cheat code handy, Crypto Club is your one-stop shop for winning. Learn all 6,247 rules at CryptoClub.net/noob. Or start with the first eight by scrolling down right now.
Cover Photo: Eva-Katalin (Getty Images)
Crypto Club Rules 10
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First Rule: If You've Ever Invested In Crypto, You Must Talk About Crypto
Of course, if you've ever invested in crypto, you already know this.
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Second Rule: Even If You Have No Idea What The Fuck Crypto Is, You Must Talk About Crypto
Seriously, call everyone you know and tell them. Even if they're standing right next to you.
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Third Rule: Immediately Destroy All Physical Ties To Dead Currencies
Do it now. Worry not about any possible ramifications.
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Fourth Rule: If This Is Your First Time In Crypto Club, You Have To Invest Every Last Dollar
You may now flaunt your success.
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Fifth Rule: When Outsiders Attempt To Define Crypto, Agree With Them Even If They're Completely Wrong
A fundamental misunderstanding of digital currencies (and technology) should not be a barrier to entry. In fact, it's a bonus.
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Sixth Rule: If You Just Got A Sweet Fiver From Grandma, Send It Back
You know exactly where to shove that birthday dough before immediately phoning grandma to persuade her that Dogecoin is a better investment than chemo.
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Seventh Rule: Learn The Secret Handshake
Then use it on people who don't even realize it's The Secret Handshake.
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Eighth Rule: Morph Your Once-Human Form Into A Bag Of Douche
Become the Crypto Club spirit animal. Find yourself ahead of the pack when the time for isolation pods is upon us.
