Face it. The Supreme Court has always made crap decisions. From Dredd Scott v. Sandford to Citizens United, the highest court in the land has a long history of major whiffs. It’s time for some fresh blood.
Luckily, liberal old-guy-in-a-robe Stephen Breyer is retiring this year, making way for a possible Biden nominee. That’s right. After missing out on two recent replacements, the Democrats are looking to pitch a fast one by slugger Mitch McConnell and his ragtag crew.
While our gut is telling us to replace the entire bench with the starting lineup of the 1927 Yankees, our legal experts are telling us that’s not an option. But why is the ladder to the top of the judicial clubhouse so hard to climb? After all, these days it looks like the SCOTUS Club will let just about anyone in (we’re looking at you, Kavanaugh). And if a failed D-List celebrity can become the president, why can’t a former pop star from the aughts become a justice?
In the spirit of spitballing for fairness (and sexier judge’s outfits), we’ve put together this list of candidates who’d kick ass on the high court even though they don’t stand a chance in hell. But hey, stranger things have happened.
Cover Photo: Handout (Getty Images)
Supreme Court Nominee 2022
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Oprah
Just think about all the free sh*t we'll get every time court's in session. We like her odds.
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Seth Rogen
Talk about the highest court in the land. Who doesn't have great judgment when they're high? And how deep are those legal conversations about to get with all nine justices passing around a J?
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Lin Manuel Miranda
Finally, rulings from the bench will be relatable and a helluva lot more entertaining in the form of rhyming raps white people can enjoy.
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Kim & Kanye
Reunited for justice? Just imagine the number of eyeballs tuning in to watch their supreme court decisions.
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Johnny Knoxville
The guy's one bull attack away from getting every bad decision he's ever made out of his system. Who else can you say that about?
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Morgan Freeman
Nuff said.
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Dave Chappelle
Controversial. Hilarious. And good in a Godzilla streetfight. This man is America.
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Jeff From Down the Street
We don't know where he's from or what he believes in. But he always seems nice when we see him walking his ex-girlfriend's dogs.
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The MyPillow Guy
We just wanna see if he actually brings a pillow to work. Ten bucks says he does.
