Wipe that sweat off your brow, we made it through another week of madness. More and more people may be putting Twitter down to escape from the daily doom updates, and in doing so they could be missing out on some of the hilarity that is still out there trying to make the world not seem so glum. Thankfully you have us, and it’s Friday, which means it’s once again time for the funniest tweets of the week! If you were unfortunate to miss our last collection of tweets, not to worry, you poor bastard. We’re here for you if you need us. Now, catch up on all the Twitter insanity here then be sure to follow us on Twitter @Mandatory.
just had our first dinosaur come to the park as a guest
— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) February 7, 2022
how is the letter z the last letter in the alphabet when it looks like the fastest letter in the alphabet
— anwar (@theanwarnewton) February 9, 2022
https://twitter.com/SteenaSalido/status/1491445970173071362?s=20&t=8AJilMSjwaLj3EkGdqoP3Q
Someone should invent an alarm clock where the alarm is the sound of a dog about to throw up. Because nothing wakes me up and gets me out of bed faster than that.
— Paul Feig (@paulfeig) February 8, 2022
The alcoholic dude at work isn’t here and his computer is open to directions to a Dave and Buster’s on google maps
— Alex (@AlexShaneMoore) February 7, 2022
A quick thread on in the importance of being careful what data you share – even if you're the Queen. Today, Her Maj tweeted this lovely picture, gor bless er, etc. You might think that the contents of the red box would be official business. And you'd be right. 1/6 pic.twitter.com/y1RspNRUzy
— Adam Kay (@amateuradam) February 6, 2022
Will I understand “Pam and Tommy” if I haven’t seen the original?
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) February 4, 2022
Just took a quick trip to Utah. Unfortunately I didn't have time to stop at a club and hear some of that sweet, sweet jazz and whatnot.
— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) February 4, 2022
Standing outside my authorized bitcoin dealer thinkin about investing! ? pic.twitter.com/htP8EJ7zZ8
— David Alan Grier AKA #LeonMusk (@davidalangrier) February 10, 2022
Excuse me SPERM whale?? Uh okay how about a Blowjob Elephant?? Oh sure you go to the zoo and see the Cum Guzzling Penguin??? what other kind of nonsense are we teaching kids these days? ?
— Hampton Yount (@Hamptonyount) February 10, 2022
Gazpacho police
Arrest this flan— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) February 9, 2022
https://twitter.com/blainecapatch/status/1491191989651804161?s=20&t=8AJilMSjwaLj3EkGdqoP3Q
I think I might try stand-up comedy. It seems like a fantastic community where I could make friends and earn a living just laughing and having fun!
— Dana & Julia (@DanaAndJulia) February 6, 2022
A comedians job is NOT to be your moral compass, it is to slip on a pile of loose marbles while shouting “aw jeez”
— Kylie Brakeman (@deadeyebrakeman) February 6, 2022
https://twitter.com/ShawnHils/status/1489649260547256321?s=20&t=8AJilMSjwaLj3EkGdqoP3Q
