Free beer, money that grows on trees, credit cards that don’t require repayment…sadly, these “wishfuls” simply don’t exist. In layman’s (or layperson’s) terms, what you see is what you get. If it looks like cake, smells like cake, and tastes like cake, yeah, it’s cake. And for those of you who believe there are exceptions to the rule, allow us to set you straight.
Cover Photo: AaronAmat (Getty Images)
CAKE
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1. Guys who won't pressure you for sex on the first date.
Before the #MeToo movement, there was a time when guys referred to expensive entrees as “the f*cking side of the menu.” Wanna know what #MeToo has changed? Nothing! Guys are still guys, only now it’s the whole damn menu.
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2. Techies who don't believe in crypto.
When was the last time you heard a techie get through a conversation without mentioning anything having to do with blockchain?
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3. Republicans whose favorite color is black.
Don’t let those Trump rally images of “Blacks for Trump” fool ya—it’s not a thing.
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4. Scientologists who don’t belong in a rubber room.
One of the core beliefs of Scientology, the “religion” founded by prolific science fiction author, L. Ron Hubbard, concerns the deity-like figure, Xenu, former ruler of the Galactic Confederacy, an ancient coalition of 76 planets. Besieged by overpopulation on account of their 20-million-plus-year existence, Xenu froze billions of his people and brought them to Earth, where he dumped them into volcanoes in an effort to capture their souls and implant them with necessary information. Um, what?
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5. NFL owners who support the Rooney Rule.
The Rooney Rule came about to provide more opportunities for minorities to secure head coaching jobs in the National Football League. The NFL has been called “the world’s biggest boys club.” On the ownership side of that equation, it’s the world’s biggest white boys club. You do the math.
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6. Women who don’t think size matters.
If you believe that, we have a lovely bridge to sell you.
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7. Porsche drivers who aren’t compensating for “something.”
See #6.
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8. Writers who LOVE editors.
Don't tell our editors.
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9. Kardashians who hate the spotlight.
Have you seen their new show on Hulu?
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10. Vice President Kamala Harris is a foreign policy expert.
"Ukraine is a country in Europe. It exists next to another country called Russia. Russia is a bigger country. Russia is a powerful country. Russia decided to invade a smaller country called Ukraine.” Well, thanks for that.
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11. Supermodels who think they’re too skinny.
How many supermodels does it take to finish a salad?
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12. White women who don't shop at Target.
And they're all named Karen.
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13. Bodybuilders who think they’re too big.
Do you even lift, bro?
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14. White supremacists who support reparations.
Amazingly, neither the Ku Klux Klan or the National Socialist Movement have had any discussions of substance on this topic. We’re as shocked as you are.
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15. Biden family members who think Hunter is innocent.
Wait, the laptop is real?
