Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell loves power as much as being a craven shitheel. Besides being an obvious sex symbol in the Senate, mumbling McConnell loves striking backroom deals that enrich himself at the expense of his constituency who keep voting the guy back in. Seriously, the guy has been in the Senate so long that he remembers obstructing progress under President Lincoln.
During his decades-long time in the Senate, Mitch McConnell has managed to become an even bigger dick with every passing year. Among some of his more dickish moves were obstructing President Barack Obama’s Supreme Court pick, derailing an investigation into Kentuckians’ toxic water, blocking an amendment in 2017 that would have set aside funds for infectious diseases like Covid-19, obstructing everything the Obama wanted to do that actually helped people, and then basically waited for Justice Ginsburg to die so he could hypocritically install a far-right justice in her place.
He also said that his No. 1 goal was to make sure that Obama was a one-term president the very day after he was elected. We could literally go on for days and days detailing just how many dickish things McConnell has done.
Indeed, Mitch McConnell is a special kind of a-hole that doesn’t come around very often. In other words, we really love to hate this guy. That’s why we were inspired to imagine five occupations McConnell might be better suited for so we can get him the eff out of the Senate.
Cover Photo: Kevin Dietsch (Getty Images)
5 Occupations Mitch McConnell Might Be Better Suited For
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1. Auctioneer
Considering McConnell always sounds like he is wearing a retainer and is indecipherable at most times, what better occupation than an auctioneer? Sure, they may speak much faster but they're just as indecipherable.
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2. Farmer
If you look at McConnell (hopefully not very long), he really looks like he should be decked out in overalls and chewing on a piece of hay. So what better occupation than farmer? After all, he does represent Kentucky and, having been in the Senate so long, knows a thing or two about dealing with manure.
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3. Bathroom Attendant
McConnell strikes us as one of those tired, sleepy old guys you used to see as bathroom attendants in upscale restaurants. He's already quite experienced in kissing the butts of wealthy people so he might as well give them a towel or two.
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4. Food Sampler at Costco
No trip to Costco is complete without filling up on stuffed pizza bagels being handed out by a geezer. This seems like the perfect gig for the old and slow senator. After all, he always sounds like he's got a mouth full of hot pizza bagels anyway.
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5. Home Depot Team Member
You can't go into any Home Depot without seeing some elderly dude meandering around the aisles looking confused. Having years of experience walking around the Senate looking confused, this seems like the perfect gig for McConnell.
