With the imminent second coming and the rapture, only 2 million of us are going to be saved and floated up to the golden kingdom to lay down with lambs and lions (I’m pretty sure I read that somewhere). So for the rest of us, we need to make the best of the time we have. I mean face it, you’re on this site reading this, your chances of floating naked up into the arms of the big G man are null.
Here are ten Suggestions for how to use the time we have left before this does in fact happen.
Trade People for Money
This may seem like an obvious first step, but it’s just sound logic, because hey WTF if the world doesn’t end?! Boo Yaaa welcome to the millionaires club little man, you’re a winner! And even if the world really does end, you’ll have a 5 day spending spree the like’s of no other. You’ll be your own little Brewster’s Millions.
Fetal Position
Let’s face it there’s nothing better than a good solid day or two of rocking back and forth on the floor like a child. The fetal position is a tried and true way to face the coming of the apocalypse. I’m pretty sure it’s written in Leviticus.
Orgy
Once you’ve gotten past the thought that there’s just nothing you can do to stop the end of the world, go out with a bang. Or as many bangs as you possible can in the time given. Cause hey who needs Pants in the apocalypse?! Don’t you hate pants? And that’s exactly why you’re not going to ascend anyway.
Quit your stupid job
Seriously, how much are they paying you to do what you’re doing? Is that really worth it? You underpaid and over worked, and Mr. Cracket can suck a nut if he thinks you don’t have something more important to do in these pressing times. I mean shoot man, there’s cookies to be eaten, ice cream to stuff down your gullet and videos to be watched on redtube! How can you think of work in a time like this.
Repent – Fight Club
Let’s get serious for a minute, if there’s chance for your survival it’s not going to be in a last minute repentance. It’s going to be in being bigger, stronger and faster than the next guy. Cause Either you’re going to beat them to the closest beam of light and grab yourself a one way ticket to after life or you’re going to need these new skills to survives once all the goody goody’s have left.
Mile High Club with 8 Mile
For starters, gentlemen, don’t worry I’m not suggestion that you take up residence with Detroit’s number one resident. (unless that’s the way your boat floats). I am however suggesting that you extend your hand to master of Freestyle Rap Battles to a little competition of Flystyle Bang Battle. 1 plane, 2 bathrooms, ‘X’ Passangers.. GO!
Barter
There’s a very real chance that you know who will take over the earth once the whole ‘millions of naked masses floating up to heaven’ thing happens. So maybe it’s time to stop trying to appease the G’man and think about your new overlord. Remember in any take over situation loyalists are the first ones to go, and by go I mean have a flaming pineapple shoved up your yahoo for the rest of infinity. So Time to start trading people for their souls. Rack up enough points with the big guy and you’ll be set to roam the fiery abyss with a suit of ove-glove material.
Be Hayden Paniteere’s rebound – Rumor is miss
Rumor has it the cheerleader is single again, and damn it man you know she’s not going to survive the rapture. I mean she did after all kiss a girl, that’s a big no no with the ceiling boss.
She’s probably going to need a shoulder to cry on, and something to get her mind off things. And if not her mind, … think about it… Go forth you hero.
Enter a Ghost Pepper Eating Competition
Let’s face it, the post-apocalypse is going to un relenting torture for all, so start getting ready. The ghost pepper is like a million jalapeños tearing your brain inside out and putting it back as some kind of dyslexic, jello brained baby. If you can master this amount of sheer fire and pain you’re one step ahead in surviving the next stage of the earth’s time line.
Prevent Justin Bieber from ascension.
If you do one thing before the sky opens up and summons up the “lucky” 2 million, make sure Mr. Beiber can’t leave. He should be bound, given cements shoes, whatever it takes to keep his corporeal form from floating off before the Devil can get his hands on him for a lifetime of torture (which I assume means listening to his own music for eternity).
Sam Proof is an LA based writer/director, founder of podpocalypse.com and executive producer of SamProof.tv. You may know him as Raz from Tim and Eric, or from his popular youtube channel or stickam show. Visit his website, or shoot him a tweet @samproof
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