New York Comic Con is just about half over. Once again, the nerd masses have herded themselves into multiple showrooms, panels and all kinds of sullied corners in hopes of soaking in everything comics and pop culture has to offer.
It’s f***ing crazy.
As with any great gathering of humanity, tensions are often high and patience can run thin. In order to keep things cheery and chummy at all future comic conventions, I have arranged ten simple rules of etiquette. I call them 10 Ways To Avoid Being A ComicCon Douche.
If everyone would keep these ten simple rules in mind, then cons would be a lot more fun.
10 Ways To Avoid Being A Comic Con Douche
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Don’t Be The Language Douche
You may think something is “F***ng Awesome”, or the comic creator you loved your whole life may very well turn out to be a “Total Asshole”, but we don’t need to hear it.
Yes, it is true, the majority of Comic Con folks are adults (at least in age), but there are still hundreds of little kids running around.
Take a few seconds to realize where you are and put the kibosh on the foul language. Somebody cursing like a drunken sailor is not something parents should worry about. To quote the immortal one, The Rock, "Know your role and shut your mouth."
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Don’t Be The 'Remember Me' Douche
Few things says “I have a white van with no windows” like getting into the grill of a celebrity or artist, and insisting they should remember you.
While your meeting with said celebrity or artist might have been the orgasmic moment of your existence, to them you are just another fanboy. That isn’t an insult, just a fact of life.
These people see thousands of fans at conventions. The artists draw and sign hundreds of books. They don’t remember you. They won’t remember you. An adult dressed in a costume is a short sprint to the creepy finish line, but when you start bugging the talent, you become a whole new level of weirdo
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Don’t Be The Portfolio Douche
If you feel the burning urge to share with the world your incredible take on Wolverine, or engage the masses with your sublime and multi-layered indie comic, then get a booth.
Taking your portfolio to cram into the faces of comic artists and writers, or handing them copies of your comic after getting something signed just looks desperate, and forces the artists/writers into an uncomfortable situation.
These guys don’t want to read your book during their off time. Imagine leaving your job and then having somebody try to show you how they do your job. You’d want to slap them down. Don’t be that guy. Get a booth.
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Don’t Be The Cosplayer Weapons Douche
I know, I know, the Cosplay community hates me because of my article poking fun at their scene.
Stepping away from all that, I implore you not to be the Cosplayer Weapons Douche. Seriously, pay attention to your fake broadsword, your pointy Wolverine claws, the Freddy glove you made with real razors, and any weapon you have brought into a comic con.
If you can take the time to build the weapon, fake or real, then have enough self-awareness to not let it become an issue in a crowd. Hold it down, tuck it in, take it off, whatever you have to do. It is not the job of those who are not dressed up, to avoid those who are.
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Don’t Be The Buddy Buddy Douche
Going along with my earlier point, don’t bother the artists and celebrities if you happen to pass them in the hall.
These people may have touched your lives through their creations, but they are not your friends. You are not their buddy. Let’s be real, they probably don’t want to talk to you or anybody else that they don’t know.
Trying to play buddy buddy with these people elevates you into a Chris Farley “That part was awesome” type guy. You don’t want that. Nobody wants that. Don’t be that douche.
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Don’t Be The Flow Douche
In other words, pay attention to how things are moving on the floor of the convention. There are usually open pathways between the aisles of booths for people to move.
On the best days these paths become congested, but when somebody stops in the middle, the entire flow of the floor grinds to a halt.
This is usually for two reasons. One, somebody saw something cool and decided to just stop and check it out without moving out of the path. Second, somebody has decided to take a picture of every Cosplayer they see. Usually that involves some kind of “action scene” that causes more congestion.
Take your personal needs out of the flow of traffic. Avoid being the flow douche.
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Don’t Be The Ebay Douche
Last year I saw a little boy turned away from getting his comic book signed because the line was too long. In this line were at least ten guys with stacks of short boxes handing over huge stacks of comics to be signed.
Granted some of these might have been legit signings for friends or shops, but most of them are dicks getting things signed to sell on Ebay. This little kid was crushed while these human maggots fattened up on product to sell.
The doucheness here is staggering. Not just for those of us in line forced to wait, but also the artist who signs this work for nothing more than random profit. It’s disgusting, and a douche move for sure.
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Don’t Be The Guy In Line Douche
While I see the hypocrisy in me chastising people for handing out unwanted opinions, I adamantly say that doing it in a con-line is the worst. People standing in these lines are usually trying to get things signed that they love, so your opinion of it is unnecessary.
It doesn’t matter if you disliked Zero Year, or if you thought Dan Slott ruined Spider-Man with the Doc Ock brain switch. Nobody standing in line cares about your opinion of what they love.
If you’re having a conversation with a friend, keep it down. Don’t start performing. Your one-man stand-up routine isn’t charming, it’s douche X 1000.
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Heckler Douche. Shut it!
You have waited in line for hours. Finally, you get into the panel you have wanted to be in all day. The celebs are there; the previews or sneak peaks are coming fast and furious.
Then, suddenly, they open the floor to questions and the heckler makes himself known. Shouting out random bits of stupidity in order to make people laugh is lame, and it just makes everyone in the room hate you.
Heckling doesn’t show your superiority, nor does it display just how caustic your wit is. It makes you look like a person whose mother held them too much or not enough. Don’t be that douche. Don’t be the panel heckler.
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Don't Be The Douche Who Harasses Cosplayers
I don’t have any jokes for this one because it simply cannot be tolerated. Women who are dressing in sexy or revealing cosplay outfits are not inviting you to hit on them, leer at them, or make vulgar comments.
These are human beings, who have the right to show up anywhere and not feel embarrassed, tense or nervous about their surroundings. Keep your douche instinct to yourself and leave these women alone. It’s not charming or funny.
You suck. Period.
