I Can’t Wrap My Head Around This Johnny Depp And Amber Heard Mess

Much like CNN and missing planes, this Johnny Depp and Amber Heard divorce mess should taste like Cool Ranch manna from heaven for me, but this is some Lay’s Biscuits and Gravy shit. Don’t like it. So I’m gonna throw it up in the form of a timeline and everything we know so far. Or I know so far. You might know more about this than me. Feel free to add any information you feel is relevant. Also, remember when celebrities would get divorced and we didn’t have to hear about it again? That was fun. The Kardashians have four divorces and a separation between them since 2003, but I guess they have to plan seasons out in advance. Let’s get this over with.

But before we do, you should probably know that my dad enjoyed beating the shit out of the other two people in our house, until those other two people left at 3am on a Friday and never looked back (I managed to grab my favorite blanket). I only tell you that because it’s easy to forget that those who immediately swear allegiance to Depp, more than likely have never witnessed domestic violence, or worse, witnessed it, yet been too powerless to stop it. That being said, this shit is kinda weird, right? I don’t know, man.

So we know Amber Heard filed for divorce and asked for spousal support right out the gate. Johnny Depp‘s lawyer said “hell to the no“, then Amber Heard went shopping. By the time she got home, Depp’s rep had already released a statement that specifically said that Depp “will not respond to any of the salacious false stories, gossip, misinformation and lies about his personal life”. Why would he feel the need to use those exact words? Because the very next day, Amber Heard boarded the Enola Gay and dropped something off at TMZ: a restraining order and a claims of domestic abuse. TMZ points out that she filed the restraining order while Depp wasn’t even in town, so either that was the only time she felt safe to do it, or Depp has the power of flight and could be within 100 yards of her pretty quickly. Better safe than sorry.

Amber claims during the alleged attack, Johnny shattered various objects in the apartment. She says she was on the phone with a friend during the fight, and when Johnny grabbed her phone she screamed to her friend, “Call the cops!” The friend called 911 and cops came to the residence. Amber says when cops arrived Johnny had already fled, so they took a report. We’re told cops told Amber they would find Johnny and arrest him if she gave a statement about the alleged violence, but she refused. Officers told her if she changed her mind she could call them.

That sounds awful. What’s also awful is that most victims of domestic abuse are too afraid to file a police report or make a statement, and it’s not hard to understand why. But according to the LAPD, Heard’s version of events only kinda sorta happened but not really.

“On May 21, 2016, officers responded to a domestic incident radio call…” LAPD Sgt. Marlon Marrache says. “The person reporting the crime [Heard] did not insist on a report and no report was warranted. There was no evidence of any crime. A crime did not occur so the officers left the scene and left a business card.”

Amber Heard claims Depp threw a cell phone at her that struck her in the eye (the leaked photo is allegedly from this incident), but law enforcement say “they saw no injury at all. In fact, we’re told she never alleged any brutality…just that they had an argument….LAPD says they had no reason to believe Johnny Depp struck Amber Heard with his phone when they were called to the couple’s apartment”. Sidenote: she never told the police about the phone attack at all. Now you can spin that any way you like, but does any of that make you take pause? Especially considering what happened next. Hint: she asked for the house and money (again) during her petition for the restraining order. This seems to be a pattern, huh?

The judge also gave Amber the right to live in the family home, but rejected a request to protect at least one of their dogs from Johnny.  Amber asked for $50k a month in spousal support, but the judge rejected that request.  And the judge declined to order Johnny into anger management. 

If there’s enough evidence for a judge to issue a restraining order, that should be enough evidence for everyone else, but Depp’s attorney, Laura A. Wasser, immediately filed a response, claiming Heard is “attempting to secure a premature financial resolution by alleging abuse”. They also point to an Instagram pic that was deleted right before her court appearance. A picture that was taken the day after Heard asserts she got an iPhone in the face. This picture. It’s easy to say we can’t see the bruises because she made the conscious decision to put her hair over her face and cover it with makeup, but if she were a victim of domestic abuse the night before, wouldn’t her friends in the picture know it? And if they knew it, why would they ask her to be in a selfie? And who instructed the person who posted the picture to delete it? That seems…strange. And these photos of Heard smiling leaving her lawyer’s office on Saturday. Obviously, if you expect a victim of domestic violence to be traumatized every waking moment after the abuse happened, then you’re sliding into a bad narrative. There’s also times in life when you laugh to keep from crying. But strictly going by appearances, which is what people who firmly support Heard are doing, it appears she got some really good news from her lawyer.  Which brings us, sadly, back to the money thing…

A “source” told People last week that Depp, who allegedly knew Heard was planning to file a restraining order against him, attempted to pay her off. So either that was Depp trying to cover this up, or he wasn’t offering enough. You can see how one might think the latter. 

The day after divorce papers were filed, Heard’s lawyer, Samantha Spector, doubled down, writing to Depp’s lawyers that if he didn’t agree to a “private and amicable resolution to all matters,” there would be no guarantee of avoiding a media spotlight.

I’ll let you decide for yourself what that means. Quick point of context, Heard described “her 2015 earnings at a ‘mere’ $260,000 — minus $208,000 in expenses”. Which brings us to New York divorce lawyer Suzanne Bracker. 

“Honey, you know she’s jonesing for the real money, and she has him by the movie-star balls…If she keeps talking, his reputation is going to be mud, and he’ll start losing his female fan base…She’s looking for ‘shut-up’ money, which is a premium. He’s going to have to pay her to shut up.”

It’s lazy and dangerous to emphatically say Amber Heard is a “gold digging whore” or whatever variation of that you choose, but you can understand why that would be easy to say with Heard’s repeated attempts to shoehorn “Imma need your house, keys to the Range Rover, and $50K a month” in every single filing, court appearance, and statement from her lawyer. 

It’s also important to note that one woman’s experience doesn’t invalidate the experience of another, but in her divorce petition, Heard called Depp a “serial abuser“. However, his ex-wife, Lori Anne Allison, doesn’t believe Heard. And Vanessa Paradis, the mother of Depp’s two kids who spent 14 years with him only to get left for Amber Heard, took the time to write a handwritten letter in which she called Heard’s claims “outrageous”. His daughter, Lily Rose Depp, also had some Heard shade. But again, people change. Depp has a history of violence in the 80s and 90s, mostly against paparazzi, but the Kate Moss and Winona Ryder stories can’t really be overlooked. That being said, if you readily dismiss Allison and Paradis’ stance on Depp as two women who are being paid by his PR team to say these things, I hope you take a moment to silently reflect on the irony of your line of thinking. 

Lastly, Depp’s friend and comedian, Doug Stanhope, wrote a column for The Wrap called,  Johnny Depp Is Being Blackmailed by Amber Heard – Here’s How I Know. You only have to read it through once to see that he kinda talks in circles and is seemingly more concerned with hoping Depp reads it than anyone else, but Stanhope actually spends time with them. And he was there the night of the incident, so maybe he knows something we don’t? Or he could just be a sycophant. We don’t know. 

Having wrote all this, I admittedly feel like an asshole. Amber Heard has done “every single thing that everyone has insisted an abused woman should do”, so for anyone to adamantly believe she’s lying or manipulating the situation, their anger is probably coming from some place else. Alcohol and jealousy are gateway drugs to domestic violence, and throw in the fact that Depp had just lost his mother before getting served divorce papers, and you have a recipe for disaster. It’s a PR war now, and we all agree with the side we most identify with. Depp’s history and refusal to issue a statement himself coupled with Heard’s inconsistencies and allegations (only coming when her request for spousal support was refused), just makes this all a confusing shit show. But at least we’ve all moved on from that zoo gorilla.