There are terrible people everywhere in the world, but most of them seem to be out on the road. Every time I get in a car, I encounter at least one of these types of people, usually more, and it makes me a very unhappy individual. If you do any of these things, you are destroying society as we know it and you need to change how you live. Here are the 10 worst types of assholes you encounter when driving.
The Drive To The Front Of The Merge Lane And Then Force His Way In Asshole
I get it. It’s really annoying to have to wait. You’re in a rush. No one else is, just you. You’re more important than everyone else. Of course you should be able to drive up to the front of the line and then force your way over two lanes at the very last possible moment. The concept behind merging only works when everyone cooperates like civilized adults and allows enough space for the correct cars to change lanes. The line moves much smoother that way. But your tiny brain clearly can’t comprehend that logic or else you wouldn’t be speeding by everyone on the shoulder. You’re hopeless and you’re a selfish piece of shit who never learned how to share and you’re the cause of 88 percent of all traffic jams on freeways. So go to hell.
The Instant Honk Asshole
If you are in a line of 12 cars at a light and you are the 12th car and the light turns green and the split second that light turns green you are not moving so you decide to honk your horn as loud and as long as humanly possible, you sir, are an asshole. You are not providing a gentle reminder to the 11 cars in front of you, you are just being an impatient dipshit who does not realize that there is a certain amount of reaction time involved when the 11 cars in front of you each individually react to that green light and then step on their respective gas pedals. That means you are not just an asshole, you are a stupid asshole. You do not deserve a car horn, let alone a car.
The Way Too Loud Motorcycle Engine Revving Asshole
I’m guessing you’ve either got a small penis or you just turned 50. Either way, that’s not the rest of the neighborhood’s problem. There are many better ways to deal with your insecurities than buying a overpriced toy bike that obnoxiously announces your presence to everybody within a three-quarter square mile radius every time you accelerate. Get some dick pills online or a leather jacket and leave the rest of us alone.
The Double Parking For Way Too Long Asshole
So you just need to run in and grab your dry cleaning but you can’t find a spot close to the store. The horror and anguish that wash over your body as you realize you might have to walk an extra 33 seconds is quickly replaced by a release of endorphins thanks to your ingenious idea to flick on the hazards and park wherever the fuck you want. I guess this is almost acceptable if you are only running somewhere for less than a minute, but there’s a line at the dry cleaner and now they are having trouble finding your linen khakis. Now there are horns honking outside because of the clogged up traffic on the only street in town that takes you to the highway. The ensuing traffic repercussions spread quickly and lead to literally everyone in town being late for work all because you decided your time was more valuable than everyone else’s, you selfish piece of garbage.
The Needs Three Tries To Parallel Park On A Busy Street Asshole
Oh look, you hit the curb again. And you’re still poking out just far enough from your spot to not let me through. And now you’re pulling all the way back out. Oops. Bad angle. Let’s try that one more time. By now there are 13 irate drivers piled up behind me and every one of them is laying on the horn. That should totally calm your nerves and help you snuggle right into that spot. Nope. Missed again. And now you’ve given up and driven off to find another spot. Meanwhile, we all just lost eight minutes of our lives because you need a spot large enough for an 18-wheeler to park your Mini Cooper in less than five attempts.
The Looking For Something But Won’t Pull Over Asshole
So you’re on your way to your friend’s new apartment for a potluck and you’re trying to spot the address from your car. Those address numbers are pretty small and pretty far away so you’ll need to slow way down and squint to make out the numbers next to the door of every…single…god…damn…apartment…on…this…block. Take your time. 12 miles per hour seems like a totally reasonable speed to cruise an entire city block with a quickly growing number of increasingly irritable drivers behind you. Don’t mind us while you keep leaning forward over the wheel to squint up to see if that’s Brad’s place yet. Nope. It’s not. Looks like we’ll all just slowly creep forward until you find it, getting angrier and angrier, until you realize you’re on the wrong block and need to make a u-turn anyway.
The Phone Asshole
If you have enough time to check to see how many people liked your selfie with that jumbo spiced pumpkin latte on Instagram in the middle of rush-hour traffic, you should probably re-allocate that time to Googling how many people die every day because of assholes looking at their phones while driving. You’re navigating a crowded interstate while operating a gigantic pile of steel that is operating at speeds of up to 75 miles per hour. You just have to type “OMG LOL” to Cindy right now? That can’t wait? Oh, shit. You’re reading this on the road right now, aren’t you? PUT THE PHONE DOWN AND LOOK UP.
The Parks Across Two Spots With A Small Car Asshole
That Mazda Miata is one sweet ride, bro. Better make sure you keep all of those losers in the Target parking lot as far away as possible from your pride and joy. After all, avoiding scratch marks on your newly leased sports coup is what everyone in the parking lot cares about, especially the mother of three who now has to park her gigantic minivan in the back of the lot and haul all three of her kicking and screaming offspring an extra half mile to buy school supplies.
The I Need To Eat Right Now Asshole
If you think eating a double bacon cheeseburger is important enough to drive through rush-hour traffic on a six-lane highway with your knees, I can’t believe you were ever smart enough to pass a driver’s test.
The Doesn’t Attempt To Turn Right During A Red Light Asshole
It’s legal and you could definitely save us all a lot of time if you just slowly started poking out a little to see if there’s space for you to get moving and out of my way. But I guess we’ll all play it safe today. And I’ll be late to work. In all that spare time you have waiting for the light to turn green can you write up a quick note for my boss so that he understands why I’m not at this morning’s meeting?
