If you drink, you’ve absolutely had a hangover. Vodka, whiskey, beer, wine, you name it, there is no alcohol spared when it comes to the vengeful antics of the morning after a night of irresponsible partying.
People can argue that there’s a cure for the hangover all they want, but we’ve never adopted a universal cure, which leads me to question their legitimacy. Hell, in Sicily, they eat jerky made from bulls’ penis. In Mongolia, it’s pickled sheep’s eye in tomato juice. I won’t so much as touch either of those things ever, so it looks like we’re stuck with the hangover until it finally decides to f*ck off. Below, find all of the different types of hangovers that every man has experienced.
1. The Great Delay
You wake up expecting to feel like a bag of smashed assholes, but to your delight, you’re just dandy. Hell, you might even have yourself a productive Sunday! But give it time. That dreaded hangover will creep up on you like a plot twist on Game of Thrones and wreak havoc on you mid-afternoon when you least expect it.
2. The Insatiable Hunger
You wake up hungry with a plan to head out for some greasy, regrettable breakfast. After downing several glasses of water, you do just that. An hour later, you’re hungry again. Starving, even. Basically, this kind of hangover is your excuse to behave like a human garbage disposal and consume absolute junk that offers no benefit for your body. You can argue that grease cuts the alcohol all you want, but in reality, you feel like shit and DGAF what you’re eating that day.
3. The “I’ll Never Drink Again”
“Nobody has this much food or fluid in their bodies,” you say to yourself while peering down into the abyss that is the bottom of the toilet. There is no conceivable explanation for the amount of puke that’s come out/continues coming out of your body. It’s all bile now — that yellow, bitter bile that tells you you’ve reached stomach lining. You’ve been hugging porcelain all night and well into the morning, using the cold bathroom floor as your only available remedy. As we’ve all done but never abided by, you then dispassionately vow that you will never drink alcohol ever again. At least until next weekend.
4. The Vengeful Headache
Like a dagger to the brain. You and I know this one too well.
5. The Hermit
Today, you’re shutting yourself off from society. The blinds are drawn, lights are off, and you refuse to take any phone calls, reserving any and all communication for text. Today you’re staying in, receding into the darkest corners of your home and feasting on non-perishables and microwaved pasta dishes from the freezer as if your home has become the only safe house during the apocalypse.
6. The Regretful Jackass
You did some really stupid sh*t last night. Because of this, you have some apologizing to do. You feel like crap that’s been left out in the sun because of the alcohol, but also because you almost fought your buddy last night over something so meaningless. You were fueled by booze and the odds are your buddy will understand. If you were female, however, I doubt thing would be so commendable.
7. The “I’m Getting Too Old For This Sh*t”
You drink as much as you would have in college, but for some reason you feel as if you narrowly escaped death. It’s tough for any man to admit this fact, but the reason you feel so terrible is that you’re no longer that spritely young partier you once were in college. On top of that, you have responsibilities now, and can’t skip out on your family like you did that 9AM Sociology class.
8. The Endless Exhaustion
Despite sleeping 12 hours and waking up and two in the afternoon, you’re still tired. Odds are that tomorrow, you’ll still be tired. What the Hell is going on? I don’t know exactly. But I’m confident this is alcohol-related.
9. The Questionable Diarrhea
So you didn’t puke, but for some reason your ass is doing all of the puking. Not a single bowel movement you’ve had that day has been even remotely solid. As a result, your ass is severely chapped and in desperate need of some chapstick. Why/how has alcohol done this to your innocent backside? I’m not sure, but I do know this happens whenever I drink draught beer.
10. The Rolling Blackout
You wake up in a mysterious location and it’s now your duty to piece last night’s events together to discover how you got here. You feel terrible, but don’t even want to address that until you’re at a safe, recognizable location.
