Photo: 20th Television
Sometimes I sit in awe of how amazing the human body is. We’ve got a brain that is more powerful than any computer on the market (for now). Our body heals itself when either hurt or ill. I mean, it’s just a fantastic thing! But it is also very disgusting. So here are some things you should try not to think about next time you’re eating.
1.) Reproduction
Sex is great. Everyone seems to love it. But if you really think about it, it’s gross. The places we put our mouths, hands, wet spots, etc. I don’t want to get too graphic, so I’ll leave the details part alone. However, all that gross sex leads to babies, which is how you got here. People had some sex, and nine months later you popped out. If you have kids, you know the whole “giving birth” thing is disgusting, too. If you were born in the traditional way, your mother shot a mucus plug out of her lady parts shortly before your arrival. You came out covered in a bag of placenta and blood and poo, and most likely tore the skin around your mom’s genitals. To put that in perspective, it’s like passing a kidney stone that tears your junk in half. If you were born by C-section, a doctor cut your mother open, moved some organs around and pulled you out. The only miracle of childbirth is that people aren’t constantly vomiting at the horror of it all.
2.) Vomit
Photo: FOX
Speaking of vomiting, we’ve all been there. Maybe we had too much to drink. Maybe we ate some bad leftovers. When I get so drunk that I vomit, I alway promise myself that I will never drink again. That promise lasts for about a week before I’m right back at it. It’s one of the worst feelings there is. Your stomach starts contracting without your permission, your mouth starts watering, and then a fiery hot liquid (sometimes with partially digested food) comes spraying out of your mouth. It hurts like hell and we should all do a better job of chewing our food.
3.) Popping Zits
Listen, when I have a zit or blackhead, I get great satisfaction from shooting that crap out of my face. It’s gross, for sure, but if it weren’t so damn enjoyable, why are there Instagram accounts (with tons of followers, mind you) that are dedicated to watching people extract pus and dead skin cells out of their bodies? I’m fine with it, just don’t do it in public.
4.) Picking Our Nose
Photo: Sony Pictures Television
If you’re in public, the “polite” thing to do is use a tissue. But politeness be damned, nothing compares to the accuracy of a finger. Pulling a giant booger out of your nose feels like victory, but the underside of my car seat sure as shit doesn’t look like victory. I say we start a movement to allow users to pick their nose with their finger and then wipe it on a tissue. Let’s get that to be the “polite” thing to do. If you are one of those monsters who eat their booger, I have zero sympathy for you. Stop doing that. Fun fact: our sinuses produce one liter of mucus every day!
5.) Checking Out the TP
Everyone poops. I read that in a book. And anyone who says they don’t check out their BM before sending it merrily down the stream are no-good, dirty liars. When you poop, you also have to check out the toilet paper after each wipe. After the first wipe, you survey the damage. After the second, you decide your plan of attack. Maybe the battle is over, maybe it’s just beginning… but you wouldn’t know your next move without surveying the TP.
Also: Irish Coca-Cola Factory Temporarily Shuts Down After Human Shit Is Found In Some Cans
6.) Talking on Cellphones
About every three months, your local news will do a piece about how filthy our phones are. And they’re right: they go everywhere we go, but never get cleaned. After all the disgusting stuff you’ve done with your hand, you pick up your phone and transfer all that gross to your phone and then you press that phone to your face. I image a turd with Bluetooth would be a cleaner option than most of our phones.
7.) Farting
Farts are hilarious, so they kind of get a pass from me. And everyone loves their own brand of fart, but it’s other people’s farts that are a problem. I don’t mind sniffing air that was just in my butthole, but I’ll be damned if I have to smell air that was just in your butthole.
8.) Beds
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
— Spencer L. Hicks (@SpencerLenox) September 6, 2012
I love my bed. I love sleeping in my bed. But beds are gross. They are full of your dead skin cells, dust mites, the poop of dust mites, the corpses of dust mites, etc. Think about all the gross stuff you do in bed, like having sex. Or where do you hang out when you’re sick? In bed. Your bed is just an overpriced sponge for all your gross.
9.) Swimming
Swimming pools and hot tubs seem fun, but when you consider that the CDC says that each swimmer brings 0.14 grams of fecal matter into the pool with them, it’s off-putting. That’s not to mention the billions of dead skin cells and the traces of urine in the water, too. Don’t even get me started on hot tubs. You are sitting in a Crock-Pot of everyone’s filth. I guess the chlorine will kill most of the germs, but still.
10.) Smelling Your Fingers
Photo: Paramount Pictures
Ever scratch your armpit, or adjust yourself, and then smell your fingers? Don’t lie, I’ve seen a lot of my friends do this… and I do it, too. It’s sickening! But it’s a great way to see if your deodorant is still working.
