Photo: via roamaboutmike.com
Oh boy, are we ever going to piss some people off here! Popular vacation cities in America are subjective to the vacationer, but most of them are crap tourist cities. But when it comes to these cities that straight up suck, we should all agree they suck and avoid them. Yet people keeping going. Why is that?
Whether you’re a lonely single guy or a miserable family man, these places will entice you one way or another with their theme parks, casinos, dirty beaches, college girls and their perky “bewbs” and any other sunburnt dream gone awry. But that doesn’t mean you have to visit them. Screw what Travelocity and other popular travel sites tell you about where to spend your free time. We’re telling you where not to go, which we think is all you need when it comes to summer travel. All you really need is a tent, a car and a national park, or maybe just the right beach or winery.
The choice of popular summer vacation cities is up to you, but ask yourself this: Have we ever led you astray? This doesn’t include that one time way back when we told you Jonah Hill was a fat, worthless turd. Anyways, safe travels!
10 Popular Summer Vacation Cities in America That Straight Up Suck
For more strongly opinionated pieces, read this: We’re Drunk With (Turtle) Power Ranking Our Favorite Childhood Cartoons Now That ‘TMNT’ Is 30 Years Old
Suck Cities for Vacay
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Daytona Beach, FL
Photo: via youviewed.com
Home of motor racing and watching girls you shouldn't bring home to mom show their boobs (while you're with your mom), Daytona 500 more aptly refers to the number of seconds before you're sunburnt to a crisp and looking up the cost of a bus ticket.
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San Diego, CA
Photo: via San Diego Union Tribune
Just because you're in California doesn't mean you're in the clear. Rather, with San Diego you're in the bro-zone. This zone includes flat-billed hats (never once bent), bad tattoos, drinking like a frat boy in your 30s and saying words like "gnarly" despite never having been in the ocean for fear of sharks.
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Sanibel Island, FL
Photo: via Pinterest
We wanted to show you a photo of two elderly erotic folks sunbathing in the buff to scare you off, but this picture appropriately represents the amount of activity in Sanibel Island. It's the most boring beach town on the planet. Population: elderly, near dead without their SPF 1000.
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Las Vegas, NV
Photo: via Paramount Pictures
We wish Las Vegas was like The Wolf of Wall Street, but sadly it's a lot like The Hangover, except all your friends are lost or dead. And there's no Zach Galifianakis to cheer you up. You will get offered blow in a limo though, multiple times, especially if you're alone and haven't lost all your money and pride.
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Branson, MO
Photo: via Travelocity
They try to make Branson look like a family-friendly Las Vegas. Yeah, that's just what our kids need: to be excited about growing up so they can go to Las Vegas for all the good times. Anyone who goes to a toy museum is a schmuck, by the way.
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Orlando, FL
Photo: via roamaboutmike.com
But what about Disney World? Are you kidding, that's the whole problem. Aside from the sweet wave pools and getting drunk underage (did that!), Orlando is one of the most popular places you needn't visit, like ever. It's in Florida, for crying out loud. Epcot? Who gives a flying fuck?
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Lake of the Ozarks, MO
Just down the road from Branson is another Missouri treasure with plenty of opportunity for boating, fishing and pulling up to local spots on the water to hit on token midwestern girls. Boats and hoes? Absolutely, that is, if you can get across the tiniest bridge in America in time. Worst traffic ever.
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Reno, NV
Does anyone else only think of Sister Act when they hear the mention of Reno? Oh, everyone? That's because no one is dumb enough to vacation here, except of course people who think it'll be a nice way to change things up after so many "fun" trips to Vegas. It's like the B-side to Sin City.
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St. Louis, MO
Some people go for The Arch, while others go for the sports, creepy wax museums and breweries. But for the people who live there, they stick around for the shootings and police brutality. If you have the misfortune of going to St. Louis, whatever you do, don't go to East St. Louis. That is not a place you want to be in at night, just across from all the tourist spots.
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Hollywood, CA
Photo: via wtop.com
You can go to Los Angeles, but if you're looking to go to Hollywood, hop a tour bus for an hour and get the hell out or don't go at all. It'll suck you in, give you multiple parking tickets and have a hobo urinate on your car. But if you're hoping to see some celebrity lookalikes and the Trump star on the Walk of Fame, by all means...
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...In Case You Were Wondering...
Photo: via rt.com
If you were curious what goes on at the Walk of Fame, well it seems graffiti painting nazi symbols, defacing public property and, again, public urination upon our fearless leader's namesake.
