Photo: via Pinterest
Looking back at all these things that happened 15 years ago, not only do we feel old, but now we feel animosity towards all these teens today who will never know our pain. They’ll never know what it’s like to loathe actors everyone loves today, like Ben Affleck. That’s right. Before he was the Batman, he was just some asshole who paddled little kids before they even got to high school. From cassette tapes, libraries and the madness of phonebooks to the terrible things that happened to us at school before low-flow toilets, kids today struggling with the instant, simple pleasures of life will never know out misery.
But it’s our job to make sure they know just how rough the first millennials had it. This is like the time your dad told you that he had to walk eight miles to school every day, and if he got a B on a test, his father would throw his whiskey at him that night and tell him he’s a weak embarrassment. Hang that next to your participation trophy, you little twerps. I mean, enjoy this fun display of nostalgic memories you sadly missed out on!
12 Precious Pains That Teens Today Will Never Know Like You Did
More memories: The Greatest ’90s Toys For Boys
Precious Pains
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Finding Information In A Library
A library is a building full of books, which were used in the making of the Internet, before kittens and Instagram boobs took the majority share. And if you didn't know where the book was, you had to use a little thing called a card catalog and hunt for hours to find the thinnest book ever amongst thousands of others that look just like it. Yeah, your slow Wi-Fi is real tough.
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Fixing A Cassette Tape
Not only was the cassette tape the most inconvenient medium of music listening, when they came unwound you had to use a pencil to get the tape back inside the cassette. And when you did that, the Beach Boys suddenly sounded like Alvin & the Chipmunks.
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Painfully Atomic Wedgies
Ever since that guy got arrested for killing his old man with an atomic wedgy, we sure don't hear about them like we used to. Maybe that's because in a genderless society, we won't want to find thongs on big dudes. That's a prank backfire right there.
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Swirlies at School
Thanks to low-flow toilets, getting a proper swirly is pretty hard these days. You'd have to be in the deep south, most likely, someplace where the water still overflows like the great floods. It's never fun to get one in school, especially early in the day.
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Cleverly Hiding Your Dirty Magazines
We might have gone with a liberal interpretation of "cleverly," as every kid on god's green earth either stashed it between the mattresses or in the ceiling panels. Otherwise, you were just a grown man with a stack of them in your garage, back when the man cave needn't a name.
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Getting Your Ass Kicked In Neighborhood Games
Photo: via askideas.com
When it comes to childhood summer games, there was nothing worse than being "it" the entire time. Hell hath no fury like a child who can't tag a motherfucker before he reaches base. Thank goodness kids are just glued to their phones at the age of 10, completely unaware there are others just like them out there.
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Sitting Through The Worst Blockbuster Ever
Oh lord, why hasn't this movie been erased? Even Joel Schumacher apologized for possibly the worst movie of the past 20 years, and he was the flipping director.
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Magnum P.I. Hiding His Erection in Plain Sight
Photo: CBS
Tom Selleck was pretty cunning with the way he hid his erections on Magnum P.I. It's now our favorite show to watch on Thanksgiving with all our friends. That's cheap, fun laughs right there.
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Finding a Number in the Phonebook
I believe Pete Holmes said it best when he called the phonebook "a printout of a portion of the Internet for you to throw away." Funny how out of the tens of thousands of numbers in there, they never had the one you wanted.
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Bowl Cuts & Other Infamous Hairstyles Of The '90s
Photo: New Line Cinema
Everyone is so hip these days, but these kids don't know the pain of going to school with lightning bolts buzzed in the side of your bowl cut. The worst part is we thought it was cool.
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Watching Your Childhood Get Revived & Ruined
When Ghostbusters 2 came out, they said that was like ruining our childhood. But that thing is a masterpiece compared to whatever happened in 2016. And now Baywatch? Somebody shoot me.
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MTV's Endless Music Videos
Photo: Pinterest
You couldn't get through an entire episode on MTV without being inundated with a barrage of music videos. At first it was cool, then the Backstreet Boys came out, it all went to hell in a hand basket.
