Photo: AndreyPopov (Getty Images)
It’s not rocket science that people aren’t right when their belly is hollow. But there’s a little science to how we should and should live when our stomachs are on E (empty, not ecstasy). If you’re low on sleep and had little to eat, we’re here to tell you that not only will you be cranky, but some of your regularly scheduled activities are going to make things worse.
For those of you who can’t live without your morning coffee or your afternoon Adderall, or the rest of you who can’t seem to avoid raging puke-stain hangovers after two drinks, maybe it’s time to consider the contents of your colon a bit more when it comes to decision making.
Now check this out: The Bad Bedtime Foods You Shouldn’t Eat Before You Sleep
We’ve rallied together a group of common activities, one of which surprisingly goes well on a vacant gut, but everything after shows just how badly people act on an empty stomach. Here’s a helpful hint: Add eggs to your money and honey to your tea, and all will be well.
Otherwise, you’re just going to be clenching your rectum and holding your nauseous belly until the end of days. Now open up and swallow some more unlicensed medical advice from your favorite news source.
Empty Stomach
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Schoolwork on an Empty Stomach
Empty stomach intelligence has been studied, as the brain not only registers hunger, it also has the capacity to take in information faster and retain it longer. That's why it's recommended you go into exams, interviews and other mind-numbing activities a little hungry with a snack in your backpack.
It's all downhill from here, unless you're eating garlic on an empty stomach as an antibiotic of sorts. Otherwise it's just Bad Breath City from here on out.
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Coffee on an Empty Stomach
Coffee on an empty stomach is great, if you don't mind your brain going into overdrive until it causes migraines, your stomach lining torn up and your butt & bladder feel a bit unforgiving.
Chew a little bread if coffee is all you're going to put in your body before noon. We don't need to see you do the Jitter Bug.
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Adderall on an Empty Stomach
Pills on an empty stomach is rough enough, but a legalized form of speed that is given to millions of misdiagnosed Americans? Forget about it. You might as well save some money and get into blow. OK, bad suggestion, but it's definitely way cooler than taking Adderall, especially if you're just using it to stay out all night and drink with a bunch of coke heads.
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Sex on an Empty Stomach
Sex on an empty stomach is like riding a roller coaster after multiple chili dogs -- not a good idea. May we suggest a few almonds and a small glass of wine for improved performance? At least get some water in you so you don't pass out mid-coitus.
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Grocery Shopping on an Empty Stomach
They say shopping is one of the worst things you can do on an empty stomach. Clearly, these people have never smoked weed and gone grocery shopping. There will be nothing of nutritional value, a surplus of pizza in its many forms (frozen, rolls, bagel bites), and you'll probably forget to pay until you get home and realize you forgot to leave the cart there.
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Drinking on an Empty Stomach
We all know what happens when you don't eat before you drink. You can avoid the savage drunken public displays and hangovers if you get a little something to soak it up in your body first. Eating later never helps once it's in your blood stream, just cushion for the fall.
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Curing Hangovers on an Empty Stomach
Once again for the cheap seats, drinking on an empty stomach will get your blood-alcohol levels up, at which point food is less helpful. However, I find that Excedrin is the best way to fight the hangover once you start getting them, otherwise it's all greasy foods and Bloody Marys over here.
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Relationships on an Empty Stomach
You can barely function in a relationship when you're well-fed, slept and sober. Why on Earth would you attempt one on an empty stomach? People get cranky and make rash decisions when they're hungry, like keying your car or screwing all your friends out of spite.
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Meds on an Empty Stomach
Much like Adderall, taking prescriptions on an empty stomach is asking for trouble. If you have half a sip of wine with antibiotics on an empty stomach, consider yourself toast. This is not us giving you a shortcut to getting wet and wild. It's us telling you your medicine won't work, your lips are stained purple and your friends will quit calling (and not just because your lips are stained purple).
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Crime on an Empty Stomach
Crime is never as well executed on an empty stomach. You don't want to get sloppy though. May we suggest a light breakfast and a snack in your pocket, perhaps a granola bar?
The Wether's Originals you found in your mother's purse don't count. Hopefully you're old or cool enough to get the reference.
