Photo: TeoLazarev (Getty Images)
Say goodbye to toilet paper and say hello to the Tushy bidet, the latest in the evolving bathroom hygiene trend that is taking American butts by storm. While bidets date back to 18th century France — and have since caught on all around the world — this straight-to-the-point derriere cleanser never made a splash in America…until now.
Perhaps it was the import of fancy Japanese toilets or the patent of great ass-man, John Kellog’s, “anal douche” that turned the tide for bidets. Either way, we are embracing the trend with both ass cheeks. Why? Not only does it reduce overall water consumption and cut down on toilet paper pollution, but it also leaves your rump cleaner than a Tuesday night AA meeting. Because no one gets shit on their hand, wipes it off with a napkin, and goes “Yep, all clean.”
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It’s high time we made the bidet a household name. We know old habits die hard, so here are seven tips to consider when using your first tush–toiler.
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Tushy bidet
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Unclench.
Relax. Put on your favorite chill mix and get ready to dance the dance of the cleansing water snake.
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Be open-minded.
Embrace the change. You used to not like cheese and look at you now.
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Don't judge yourself.
It might feel like an elephant bath or an undignified prison “hello” at first. But that feeling of discomfort is purely psychological and will pass in mere minutes. Let it pass.
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Hit the bullseye.
Learn thine anatomy and make sure you’re making the best use of the spray by knowing where to aim. Practice nozzle control to keep unwanted splashing at bay. You've trained for this moment.
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Factor in drying time.
If you have one of those fancy bidets, there is a dryer function built right in that will kiss warm air at your buttocks until dry. If you go with the highly-affordable add-on bidet, you will need to keep some TP around for the old General-Patton-and-dry.
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Consider the impact.
You are Captain Planet, saving the world one shit at a time. Yes, you deserve a medal. Who knew this pastime could feel even better than it already did?
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Don't overdo it.
Once you get adjusted to the new sensations, you might start obsessing about how great it is. This is normal. Excitement lasting more than four weeks should consider a second bidet.
