You can only fake being shitty at relationships for so long, and Valentine’s Day is usually one of those uh-oh moments that can last up to 24 hours. And without enough wine and aspirin, things can get pretty ugly, but luckily for you, Moira Rose, the world’s Schittiest mother (from Schitt’s Creek), is here to help your stunted lover’s growth. For last-minute ideas on affordable, beautiful ways to say “I love you, and I swear I didn’t forget what day it is,” we only have one: Bloom Nation (it’s like Etsy for flowers). Otherwise, we just have a bunch of classic Moira moments and GIFs that teach us how inept we are when it comes to love, how it doesn’t really matter if we embrace it with a bit of humor, and how Valentine’s Day really is a pointless holiday that forces us to act slightly inauthentic in fear that our partners won’t show us the love on social media.
The Michael Bloomberg Valentine’s Day Guide to Buying Affection
Funny and Sexy Gifts That Are Good For a Gag (In More Ways Than One)
Moira Rose Moments
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And What a Grand Night It Shall Be!
Valentine's Day might be a 'what you see is what you get' kind of day, but with enough alcohol and flowers, it'll be a grand night you can't remember. You can't go wrong, at least, until you do.
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We're ALL Dying Inside, Act Accordingly
Have you been outside lately? It's a goddamn shithole out there! Not only do people not know how to recycle, there are actual living creatures walking around thinking it's OK to get a spray tan after the age of 40 (or at all). Hang in there, we're all screwed and hoping for the best.
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You're Doing the Best You Can
But you best will never be good enough. Ahh, there we said it. Now take a sip of whatever is in front of you (probably tap water or Schlitz, you poor thing) and cheers to embracing mediocrity and making construction paper V-Day cards that say "isn't this adorable, the store was closed by the time I got there."
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What's the Secret? Blind Luck
What's the secret? Close your eyes, point and hope for the best. I got a college degree by answering C on all the bubbles I couldn't fill out during my SATs and somebody (Lord help them) allowed me into their college afterwards.
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Network Your Heart Out
The only perk of going out on Valentine's Day is you're probably surrounded by other people who don't know what the hell is going or how to hold a fork like a civilian. Here's to getting to know "your people" while the love of your life is in the bathroom. Networking people, it's the only way we survive. Then when they go to the bathroom, take their bread.
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Pro Tip: Making Those Late Reservations
Might be too late to RSVP to the nice places, but you can look like you have it together by getting these beautifully clever Etsy-style flowers (do it now) and taking her someplace "exclusive that doesn't take reservations." Oooh, dangerously fun, she likes that.
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We Have Full Faith in You
Every ounce of our being has the fullest faith in you this year. But in the off-chance you blow it like every year before, there's always next year. Actually, that is what we have the fullest faith in. Sorry for the confusion.
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Good Luck...
...and good riddance! Err, goodbye.
