It’s a tale as old as time. Boy meets girl, boy and girl fall madly in love, boy and girl get divorced, girl accuses boy of being abusive, audio evidence comes out alleging that girl was actually the abusive one in the relationship, etc. And also a whole bunch of other weird shit that would make for a really good Netflix series.
The relationship between Johnny Depp and Amber Heard has been…tumultuous at best. What started out as a love story quickly turned into a Lifetime movie and we, the general public, have been able to witness the whole mad affair via magazine articles, television clips and paparazzi intrusions. If you thought Ross and Rachel, Sam and Diane, or Dawson and Joey were an emotional roller coaster, let us tell you about Johnny and Amber. The two are finally separated, “amicably,” they say. But their relationship and subsequent divorce have been anything but amicable. Still, though, there are lessons to be learned from their relationship. This is the Johnny Depp-Amber Heard Dating Guide to Ending Your Relationship amicably.
Cover Photo: John Shearer / Contributor (Getty Images)
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Johnny Depp Amber Heard Guide to Dating
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Make Sure You Started Your Relationship Before Your Previous One Ended
This is a no-brainer. Everybody knows that the best way to start a relationship is when you’re still in another one. That’s exactly what happened with Johnny Depp and Amber Heard. The two began dating in late 2011 or early 2012, when both were…otherwise engaged. Depp was still with Vanessa Paradis, his “partner” of 14 years, with whom he had two children. Heard was just coming out of (or was kinda/sorta still in) a relationship with her girlfriend, Tasya Van Ree. Both Depp and Heard maybe should’ve done what every basic girl on Instagram does and “take time for themselves,” but they didn’t. And that set the tone for the rest of the relationship.
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Just Ignore the Red Flags
In 2009, USA Today reported that Heard was arrested for physically assaulting her then-girlfriend. The charges were eventually dropped, and Van Ree herself said the incident was blown out of proportion. Still, though. Where there is smoke, there is fire that Amber Heard probably set to somebody’s car just to fuck around and see what happens.
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Downplay the Engagement
You would think that the engagement between two of Hollywood’s “elites” would feature more pomp and circumstance than a Kardashian vacation, but if that’s how you think Johnny Depp handles things, you haven’t been paying attention. Instead of making a grand gesture out of the whole ordeal, Depp just casually dropped in an interview that he was “wearing a chick’s ring.” And that was that. Ah, romance.
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Get Married and Subsequently Divorced a Year Later
You’ve heard of the “honeymoon phase?” Well, guess what -- the honeymoon phase can’t end if you get divorced first. That’s exactly what Depp and Heard did. The two were married in a private ceremony in 2015, and they divorced about a year later.
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Definitely Accuse Your Partner of Abuse
This is where things get dicey. People get divorced. It’s a fact of life and, while sad, it’s something that happens to the best of us. In a perfect world, two people realize they just aren’t each other’s “one,” they high-five, and then part as friends. Unfortunately, the world we live in is far from perfect and that’s not how this story ends. In this story, Heard filed for divorce from Depp and obtained a temporary restraining order against the man, alleging that he had physically abused her during their relationship. She stated that Depp had even thrown his phone at her, leaving her face (not to mention her heart) bruised. Local police looked into the accusations, however, and declared that no crime had actually taken place.
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If Possible, Settle
Your parents have undoubtedly told you that you should never “settle.” But, sometimes, that’s the best route to go down. It certainly was for Depp and Heard, as the two reached a $7 million settlement out of court on Aug. 16, 2016. In doing so, Heard withdrew her request for a domestic violence restraining order and also rescinded her request for $50,000 a month spousal support. Cause, ya know, being a millionaire actress don’t pay the bills by itself. Well, it does. But it’s the principle of the thing.
Though Depp said, through his reps, that Heard was “attempting to secure a premature financial resolution by alleging abuse” earlier in the year, Depp and Heard later released a joint statement that read: "Our relationship was intensely passionate and at times volatile, but always bound by love. Neither party has made false accusations for financial gain. There was never any intent of physical or emotional harm."
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Sign Non-Disparaging Agreements, but Then Disparage
So after Depp and Heard released their statement and reached a settlement, they signed an NDA (Non-Disparaging Agreement) and that should’ve been it, right? Happily-ever-after and what not? Well, no. Not exactly. Though the two seemed to be on good terms in 2017, but come 2018, Heard came out guns blazing. She wrote an op-ed in The Washington Post, alleging that she was a victim of domestic abuse. While she didn’t mention Depp by name, the implications were clear. And the consequences were, well…
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Take it to Court…or the Court of Public Opinion
There are two courts in this world. There is “court” court, which produces actual verdicts and consequences. But there is also a much scarier, much darker court. This is called the Court of Public Opinion. Unfortunately, while the Court of Public Opinion cannot actually send somebody to jail, it can derail or even completely cancel one’s career. This was on the verge of happening to Depp after Heard’s article was published. Fans were outraged. Depp was rumored to be out of upcoming movies he was supposed to star in. The former Edward’s Scissorhands were tied because, once the public speaks, producers listen. Depp’s career was all but finished until an audiotape came out in which Heard, herself, admitted to being the one who actually abused Depp.
In phone call recordings obtained by the Daily Mail, Heard said that she was “sorry that I didn't ... hit you across the face in a proper slap, but I was hitting you, it was not punching you. Babe, you're not punched.”
Babe, you’re not punched is now our favorite punk rock song.
Heard continued, saying "I don't know what the motion of my actual hand was, but you're fine, I did not hurt you, I did not punch you, I was hitting you."
“I wasn’t punching you; I was hitting you. You’re fine.”
So in addition to physically beating Depp, Heard also tried gaslighting him.
And my, how swiftly the tables turned. Depp sued the owner and publisher of The Sun, a newspaper that once labeled him a “wife beater.” The libel trial started in early July and the verdict is set to be delivered sometime in early September. Depp is also suing Heard for the comments she wrote in her Washington Post article, so we’d say the relationship and subsequent breakup is going well.
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If All Else Fails, Shit in His Bed
During the libel trial against The Sun, both Depp and Heard made some rather…unsettling…accusations towards each other. Heard alleged that Depp struck her, threw his phone at her, and threw her through a ping pong table and then dragged her through the glass of said ping pong table. Depp also made some accusations that were, erm, a bit more…unique. He accused her of sleeping with James Franco (but basically everybody has slept with James Franco), as well as Elon Musk. He also accused her of hitting him and of defecating in his bed.
And, really, that is where our story ends for now. If you’ve got the balls to take a shit in Johnny Depp’s bed, who knows what you’re actually capable of? Both cases involving Heard and Depp are still ongoing, so we can’t exactly say there’s a happily-ever-after just yet. But if you’re ever in a dysfunctional relationship and need to get out, you could do far worse than emulating Depp and Heard’s relationship and breakup. It’s one for the ages.
She shit in his bed, dude.
