Valentine’s Day is drawing near, and panic is beginning to set in. Aside from the outrageous expense of the romance-heavy holiday, there’s the schmaltzy emotional disclosure that is expected from every man, woman, and child on Feb. 14.
If you’re starting to question whether you can pull off another believable Valentine’s Day performance, we’re here to tell you that you don’t have to. There’s still time to cut bait, and with the post-pandemic world beginning to resemble some semblance of normal again, this might be the perfect moment to do it.
All you have to do are follow these 10 steps, and you’ll be a free man faster than you can say, “I don’t love you anymore.”
Cover Photo: Getty Images
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end it before v day
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Start shit-talking Valentine’s Day.
Make it known that you will not let the calendar dictate when you show love, nor let Hallmark tell you how to do so.
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Become an anti-vaxxer.
So what if you already got your two doses of the Covid vaccine, plus a booster? It’s never too late to start ignoring science and raging with the anti-vaxxers!
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Order his-and-hers MAGA hats.
You know Trump’s running for president again in 2024, right? Get on that alt-right bandwagon now.
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Apply for jobs abroad.
And we don’t mean remote ones, either. When she asks why, tell her distance makes the heart grow fonder.
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Ask to borrow large sums of money.
There’s nothing women love more than a man who can’t pay his own way, much less hers.
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Get obsessed with crypto.
Crypto babble is an instant libido-killer.
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Criticize her clothing choices.
When she asks, “Does this make me look fat?” unequivocally answer, “Yes.”
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Leave the toilet seat up.
Oh, wait, you were already doing that. Good man.
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Drink whiskey. Like, all the time.
Whiskey dick is real. Prove it to her.
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Get a pet snake.
Then constantly beg her to touch it. (Not a euphemism.)
