The Mandatory Guide to Winning a Bar Fight With a Dirty Diaper

Welcome back to our bar fight survival/improvised weaponry tutorial! The next item you could use to your advantage is, admittedly, rather obscure. But in an effort to leave no stone unturned, we at Mandatory want to make sure every possible scenario is covered. After all, your safety is important to us — loyal readers are hard to come by!

Now we’re not sure which is more disturbing: that you brought your baby into a bar or that you brought a dirty diaper to the bar without your baby!

Yes, there could be plausible reasons for both. For instance, an alien invasion or zombie uprising could be unfolding, and you wouldn’t wanna leave your kid in the car. That would be awful parenting!

Or, you’ve got a weird “fecal fetish” (we don’t judge!) and, while out for a walk, you found a diaper with a fresh load in it. Naturally, you couldn’t let that go to waste. It’s the perfect addition to your collection.  On the way home, you had a sudden thirst for a brewski and…

Whatever the case, you’re now in a bar with a loaded diaper when the shit hits the fan. Here’s what you should do.

Tactics

1. Throw the dirty diaper at your adversary. Obviously, this isn’t gonna hurt them, but for all but the most committed attacker, it’ll be enough of a distraction to allow an immediate follow-up attack, like a swift kick to the groin or an eye-gouge.

2. If the diaper is really full, preferably with wet, mushy excrement, hold the diaper by its edges — one hand on each side — and fling its contents at your attacker. Only the most committed individual will forego covering their face, allowing you to follow up with a more devastating maneuver—or run!

3. Smush the diaper in your attacker’s face. This will either cause them to retch, providing you with an opportunity to escape or, if you can hold it in place long enough, you could smother them enough to render them unconscious… Or die. And if they do expire, do you really think a D.A. will wanna take that case to trial? Chances are the evidence won’t last!

4. If your attacker is a would-be rapist, your best bet might just be to turn the soiled diaper’s contents on yourself. Wiping urine and/or excrement on your face and body should dissuade even the horniest sexual predator. With any luck, the foul odor triggers your gag reflex, causing you to vomit—a highly regarded anti-rape tactic— giving the would-be rapist yet another reason to look elsewhere for their next victim.

5. Depending on the diaper’s material, you may be able to light it on fire. While disposable diapers are supposed to be flame retardant, if it was made in China or some other country where materials tend to be of a lower grade, or product integrity often slips through the cracks, that sucker will probably go poof! And if it’s a reusable diaper, almost all cloth will take a flame quite easily. After it ignites, hold the now-burning diaper by a corner and swing it like a flail. Or…

6. Jam the burning diaper into a partially full liquor bottle to create an impromptu Molotov cocktail. Just remember to throw it before the flame travels up the makeshift wick into the alcohol, or else you’re going to Burning Man—and we’re not talking about the wild event in the desert!

7. If your “fight or flight” mechanism causes you to turn tail and flee, as you’re running out the door, wipe some of the excrement on the door handle, leaving as much visible as possible. Not only will your attacker think twice about touching it, but the excrement will make it slippery and difficult to manipulate.

Cover Photo: Sutthiwat Srikhrueadam (Getty Images)